


The study group that ended in disaster.

by Sherr



Category: South Park
Genre: But especially Craig, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone gets roasted, Everyone is done with Cartman, F/F, F/M, I regret everything, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kenny and Craig are caring boyfriends, M/M, Memes, Multi, Only three gay pairings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamorous relationship, Pregnancy, Randomness, Teen Pregnancy, Tweek and Butters' parents got fucked™, Unplanned Pregnancy, chat fic, craig gets roasted, english is not my first language, hello darkness my old friend, implied threesome, lmao what are tags, look at that, they're 16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 00:10:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12445041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherr/pseuds/Sherr
Summary: Big D added 14 people to Gay and shiny.Craig Fucker left the group.Big D added Craig Fucker to the group.Craig Fucker: Clyde I swear to fucking God.





	1. Craig gets roasted

_**Big D** _ _added 14 people to_ **_Gay and shiny._ **

 

**_Craig Fucker_ ** _left the group._

 

_**Big D** _ _added_ **_Craig Fucker_ ** _to the group._

 

**Craig Fucker:** Clyde I swear to fucking God.  
  


**Starbucks:** What is this?!  
  


**Henrietta:** A mistake.  
  


**_Henrietta_ ** _left the group._

 

**Big D:** Aw, c’mon guys! This could be fun.  
  


**Kyle B:** I highly disagree.  
  


**Mars:** Why did you add my girlfriend?  
  


**Big D:** I added everyone.  
  


**Mars:** Again, why did you add my girlfriend?  
  


**Smarter than you:** I feel like this is going to end in a war.  
  


**Smarter than you:** Clyde, _why._  
  


**Better than you:** Because is going to end in a war.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Or some of us are going to end in FUCKING PERU.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** RIGHT?!  
  


**Brazzers:** Dude, you need to chill out.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** You need to shut the fuck up, McCormick.  
  


**Prettier than you:** Petition for Clyde and Kenny to change their nicknames.  
  


**Brazzers:** Petition denied.  
  


**Big D:** Bebe _w H y._  
  


**Big D:** I feel betrayed.

  
**_Prettier than you_ ** _changed **Big D** to **Crybaby.**_

 

**Crybaby:** Betrayed x1000  
  


**Craig Fucker:** lmao  
  


**Daniels:** Why Wendy, Cartman and Bebe have matching nicknames?

 

**Better than you:** I lost a bet.  
  


**Smarter than you:** We both lost a bet.  
  


**Mars:** What bet?  
  


**Smarter than you:** Bebe claimed to know more about me. Because she’s my best friend and stuff.  
  


**Smarter than you:** And then Eric came and said “nuh, I know more about her because she’s my girlfriend”.  
  


**Smarter than you:** The fucker doesn’t know my birthday.  
  


**Better than you:** I already apologized!  
  


**Smarter than you:** And?  
  


**Kyle B:** We know each other since preschool and he doesn’t know our birthdays.  
  


**Mars:** Cartman is a shitty friend and a shitty boyfriend.  
  


**Smarter than you:** I know and I date him anyways.  
  


**Better than you:** You love me.  
  


**Smarter than you:** Don’t tempt your luck.  
  


**Buttercup:** I found cute that Eric and Wendy are together!  
  


**Brazzers:** Never change babe.  
  


**Buttercup:** Huh?  
  


**Brazzers:** Never change.  
  


**Kyle B:** I just noticed that Clyde added David to this.  
  


**Kyle B:** David I’m so sorry. Craig has shitty friends who do shitty things.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Who the fuck send me to Peru?  
  


**Prettier than you:** He didn’t denied the shitty friends part.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** My only decent friend is Token.  
  


**Daniels:** What about Tweek?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** He’s my boyfriend. He knows he isn’t shitty.  
  


**Better than you:** Well…  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Say something about him and I will end you.  
  


**Starbucks:** Craig!!  
  


**Token:** Somebody will end dead.  
  


**Not Mexican:** Mostly Cartman.  
  


**Better than you:** Hey!!  
  


**Kyle B:** Yeah, mostly Cartman.  
  


**Mars:** x2  
  


**Brazzers:** x3  
  


**Craig Fucker:** x4  
  


**Smarter than you:** x5  
  


**Crybaby:** x6  
  


**Better than you:** I hate you all.

 

 

**Prettier than you:** Somebody did the chemistry project?  
  


**Brazzers:** Butters and I did it together.  
  


**Craig:** Yep.  
  


**Daniels:** I’m pretty sure everyone did it. Why?  
  


**Prettier than you:** … I didn’t.  
  


**Crybaby:** Honestly, me neither.  
  


**Token:** Why am I not surprised?  
  


**Better than you:** I’m not going to show you our project, losers.  
  


**Prettier than you:** Nobody asked you.  
  


**Better than you:** I’m with Wendy and she says no.  
  


**Prettier than you:** fuck.  
  


**Crybaby:** Token?  
  


**Token:** No.  
  


**Crybaby:** Kyle?  
  


**Kyle B:** David says no. Sorry.  
  


**Mars:** I know you’re going to ask me. No.  
  


**Crybaby:** … Tweek?  
  


**Starbucks:** …  
  


**Craig Fucker:** _Tweek._  
  


**Starbucks:** They’re our friends and they need us!  
  


**Craig Fucker:** jfc.  
  


**Crybaby:** Is that a yes?!  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Yes, dumbass.  
  


**Better than you:** Whipped.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Shut the fuck up.


	2. The legend of the whipped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buttercup: This has nothing to do with the actual conversation but I have to do it or I will get grounded if my parents sneak in my phone
> 
> Buttercup changed Brazzers to The purest™
> 
> The purest™: …
> 
> The purest™: I’m okay with this

**Kyle B:** So  
  


**Kyle B:** Did you guys know that Stan has never watched The Walking Dead?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Seriously?  
  


**Kyle B:** Yeah!  
  


**Kyle B:** So I offered him to watch it with me  
  


**Kyle B:** And while we were watching the first episode Stan started crying  
  


**Better than you:** HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA  
  


**Mars:** KYLE!  
  


**Mars:** WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM?!  
  


**Kyle B:** DUDE! YOU STARTED CRYING WHEN THE HORSE DIED!  
  


**Mars:** WELL YEAH! THE HORSE DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE.  
  


**Mars:** ONE MOMENT HE WAS IN THE CAMP, EATING HAPPILY  
  


**Mars:** AND THE NEXT MOMENT HE IS BEING EATEN ALIVE BY ZOMBIES BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE TOOK HIM TO THE CITY!  
  


**Brazzers:** To see a marching band?  
  


**Mars:** Kenny I swear to God.  
  


**Crybaby:** Why did you never watched The Walking Dead?  
  


**Mars:** I don’t like Fox’s series  
  


**Crybaby:** So… you don’t watch The Simpsons?  
  


**Mars:** The Simpsons are shit dude  
  


**Crybaby:** GASP.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** You did not say that.  
  


**Mars:** Well I did. What are you going to do?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** I’m going to end you.  
  


**Starbucks:** No you aren’t.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** … No I’m not  
  


**Better than you:** Whipped.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Shut the fuck up  
  


**Not Mexican:** lmao  
  


**Not Mexican:** Is ironic that Cartman is always making fun of Craig for being whipped  
  


**Not Mexican:** When he’s the most whipped of all  
  


**Better than you:** No I’m not  
  


**Smarter than you:** Yes you are  
  


**Better than you:** Bitch wtf I’m not whipped  
  


**Kyle B:** Dude, you get whipped by Wendy like  
  


**Kyle B:** All the time  
  


**Mars:** Yeah dude  
  


**Craig Fucker:** I’m not whipped  
  


**Better than you:** Stan stfu you have no right to talk  
  


**Mars:** what why not  
  


**Better than you:** You’re more whipped than Craig  
  


**Mars:** I’m not  
  


**Prettier than you:** Henrietta never hangs out with us, I can’t tell if Stan is whipped or not  
  


**Mars:** But I’m not whipped  
  


**Crybaby:** I know how to solve this!  
  


**Mars:** oh no

 

**_Crybaby_ ** _added **Henrietta** to the group._

 

**Henrietta:** _why.  
  
_

**Mars:** _why.  
  
_

**Token:** lmao  
  


**Crybaby:** Henrietta, is Stan whipped?  
  


**Henrietta:** no.  
  


**Mars:** Told ya  
  


**Henrietta:** Is this all what you wanted me for?  
  


**Crybaby:** … well yeah  
  


**Henrietta:** Fucking unbelievable.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** ikr  
  


 

**Crybaby:** DUDE  
  


**Crybaby:** TOKEN DOWNLOADED THIS APP THAT DOES THE WHIP SOUND  
  


**Crybaby:** AND IS PLAYING IT EVERY TIME CRAIG GETS WHIPPED BY TWEEK  
  


**Crybaby:** I’M _CRYING.  
  
_

**Prettier than you:** You’re always crying.  
  


**Crybaby:** rude  
  


**Better than you:** I NEED THAT APP  
  


**Mars:** I need it too  
  


**Mars:**  To use it every time you get whipped  
  


**Better than you:** … you sneaky bitch  
  


**Daniels:** I’m late to the party but I have to agree with Stan and say that the death of that horse was heartless  
  


**Mars** **:** _t h a n k y o u  
  
_

**Better than you:** Is a fictional horse, what’s the big deal  
  


**Daniels:** Listen here bitch  
  


**Daniels:** That horse deserved better and didn’t have to die, especially not in the first episode.  
  


**Daniels:** Are we clear?  
  


**Better than you:** pft yeah whatever  
  


**Not Mexican:** Dude, Nichole is savage af  
  


**Daniels:** No I’m not. I’m a sweetheart.  
  


**Token:** She’s a sweetheart.  
  


**Better than you:** and I’m the whipped  
  


**Smarter than you:** Eric stfu you and Craig are whipped stop the denial  
  


**Better than you:** I’M NOT FUCKING WHIPPED!  
  


**Craig Fucker:** I’m not whipped  
  


**Crybaby:** Craig, do you want to come to my house and play videogames?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** can’t. I have a date with Tweek  
  


**Token:** whip.mp3  
  


**Craig Fucker:** I fucking hate you

 

**Crybaby:** Henrietta, you should hang out more with us!  
  


**Henrietta:** I don’t want to end in Peru. Thank you.  
  


**Craig Fucker:** HEY. I’m the only one allowed to do that joke.  
  


**Henrietta:** I don't give a fuck  
  


**Not Mexican:** Well, everyone does narco jokes with me and I’m not butthurt by that  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Go and drown yourself in cocaine, little Pablo Escobar  
  


**Not Mexican:** Pablo Escobar was Colombian, not Mexican  
  


**Craig Fucker:** idfc  
  


**Starbucks:** He was Colombian?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Yeah, but history class sucks and make us believe that every narco is Mexican  
  


**Buttercup:** I don’t think history class sucks…  
  


**Craig Fucker:** …  
  


**Craig Fucker:** You poor little soul  
  


**Better than you:** The poor here is Kenny  
  


**Brazzers:** fucker  
  


**Smarter than you:** Butters, who won the WWII?  
  


**Buttercup:** USA, of course!  
  


**Smarter than you:** …  
  


**Smarter than you:** You poor little soul  
  


**Better than you:** pft, dumbass  
  


**Token:** I don’t think you’re one to talk  
  


**Kyle B:** Sadly, he is  
  


**Token:** what  
  


**Mars:** Yeah, he’s the third most intelligent in our class  
  


**Better than you:** I’m the most intelligent wtf  
  


**Kyle B:** No you’re not  
  


**Smarter than you:** No you’re not  
  


**Better than you:** assholes  
  


**Daniels:** I feel like I lived a lie  
  


**Not Mexican:** same  
  


**Prettier than you:** Speaking of Cartman, I can’t be the only one that used to believe he was gay, right?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** No, I used to think that too  
  


**Token:** Same  
  


**Daniels:** Same  
  


**Henrietta:** Same  
  


**Mars:** lmao even Henry joined  
  


**Better than you:** wtf why did you thought I was gay  
  


**Daniels:** Well… You did say that you were dating Kyle. Like, in front of me… and a whole stadium.  
  


**Mars:** You were insufferable that time Kyle had to suck your balls  
  


**Buttercup:** You made me suck your penis  
  


**Brazzers:** You dressed as a girl, like, always  
  


**Better than you:** Fucker you also did that  
  


**Smarter than you:** I kicked your ass in fourth grade  
  


**Better than you:** Okay, okay, point taken! Assholes  
  


**Better than you:** that doesn’t have anything to do with me being gay  
  


**Smarter than you:** Yes it does  
  


**Smarter than you:** With all this new information we can confirm that you’re gayer than Tweek and Craig together  
  


**Smarter than you:** I’m basically a lesbian  
  


**Better than you:** … I’m breaking up with you  
  


 

**Kyle B:** lmao he actually tried to break up with Wendy but got whipped instead  
  


**Prettier than you:** Can confirm  
  


**Buttercup:** This has nothing to do with the actual conversation but I have to do it or I will get grounded if my parents sneak in my phone

  
**_Buttercup_ ** _changed **Brazzers** to **The purest™**_

 

**The purest™:** …  
  


**The purest™:** I’m okay with this  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Would you fuckers shut up? I’m trying to see a movie  
  


**Mars:** Just mute the chat  
  


**Craig Fucker:** …  
  


**Mars:** … you don’t know how to mute the chat?  
  


**Craig Fucker:** stfu  
  


**Mars:** Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you: Craig Tucker. Knows the exact position of every constellation, but doesn’t know how to mute a chat  
  


**Craig Fucker:** I’m going to murder you  
  


**Starbucks:** No you’re not  
  


**Craig Fucker:** You can’t let me be happy do you  
  


**Crybaby:** whipped  
  


**Craig Fucker:** Shut up Clyde  
  


**Crybaby:** lmao nah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The TWD thing happened to me yesterday  
> I'm not okay


	3. I bet my dignity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not Mexican: We would have pig for dinner for almost a month 
> 
> The purest™: wtf why
> 
> Not Mexican: Because we would kill Cartman and eat him
> 
> The purest™: David, with all my love and respect 
> 
> The purest™: What the actual fuck is wrong with you

**Starbucks** : I FUCKED UP. I FUCKED UP. I FUCKED.

 **Craig Fucker** : Tweek, honey, calm down. What happened?

 **Starbucks** : I SPILLED HOT COFFEE ON THE PRINCIPAL

 **Starbucks** : HE'S GOING TO EXPEL ME.

 **Craig Fucker** : Tweek, he's not going to expel u. It was an accident, outside the school. You're on the back of the store, right? I'm in my way over. Stay there and breathe. Nothing bad is going to happen. Calm down.

 **Prettier than you** : ...

 **Prettier than you** : Man, now I want to date Craig

 **Smarter than you** : Honestly, same

 **Daniels** : Same

 **Crybaby** : Dude, even I want to date Craig rn.

 **Crybaby** : I want someone capable of calming me down like that

 **Mars** : Here we can see the real meaning of a six years relationship

 **Token** : ... We are dating for six years too. Nichole and I

 **Crybaby** : yeah, but you're too into pda and that kills the magic

 **Token** : oh. Okay.

 **Kyle B** : Cartman and Wendy are also very into pda

 **Kyle B** : Is gross

 **Better than you** : Excuse you, but the only gross thing here is your Jewish and ginger ass, you piece of shit

 **Prettier than you** : But if you think through it, Cartman always goes all the way over to make Wendy happy

 **Smarter than you** : Have to admit that

 **Better than you** : hah.

 **Smarter than you** : oh no we blow up his ego

 **The purest™** : I can't believe you're complimenting Eric Theodore Cartman

 **The purest™:** The biggest asshole known by mankind since the creator of Jersey Shore 

 **Better than you** : Dude, if we have our own Jersey Shore Kyle would hook up with everything that produces a shadow 

 **Kyle B** : wtf I'm not a whore

 **Better than you** : You're from Jersey and that's what matters

 **Not Mexican** : We would have pig for dinner for almost a month 

 **The purest™** : wtf why

 **Not Mexican** : Because we would kill Cartman and eat him

 **The purest™** : David, with all my love and respect 

 **The purest™** : What the actual fuck is wrong with you 

 **Better than you** : Yeah dude! The fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were Mexican, not Chinese! 

 **Not Mexican** : For the hundred time, I'm not Mexican. I'm from Idaho. 

 **Better than you** : pft whatever is the same shit

 **Token** : ... Are you sure he's one of the most intelligent from class? 

 

 **Henrietta** : Hey Butters check this out 

 **Henrietta** : *hits G note*

 **The purest™** : WHEN I WAS 

 **The purest™** : A YOUNG BOY

 **The purest™** : MY FATHER TOOK ME INTO THE CITY 

 **Mars** : TO SEE A MARCHING BAND

 **Mars** : HE SAID

 **Craig Fucker** : get your emo bullshit out of the chat

 **Mars** : fuck you 

 **Craig Fucker:** Not into black haired, sorry 

 **Mars** : dude, ew 

 **Prettier than you** : How's Tweek? 

 **Craig Fucker** : He's okay now. He's asleep in my bed. 

 **Better than you** : did you fucked? 

 **Craig Fucker** : Why the hell do you care 

 **Better than you** : I made a bet with Wendy 

 **Craig Fucker** : We didn't fucked you sick shits

 **Better than you** : HAH! I want my ten bucks babe

 **Smarter than you** : goddammit 

 **Kyle B** : Stan, pay. 

 **Mars:** ffs

 **Craig Fucker** : Stop making bets involving our sexual life you fuckers

 **Mars** : We didn't bet about you and Tweek. Stop thinking you're so important because you aren't

 **Craig Fucker** : I'm going to murder you 

  **Kyle B** : I knew Wendy and Cartman we're going to bet something about you two having sex

 **Kyle B** : Stan said that it was impossible because Wendy is smart and has a high moral 

 **Kyle B** : clearly, he was wrong 

 **Smarter than you** : I don't know what are you expecting from me 

 **Smarter than you** : I'm dating Eric Cartman, Stan. That doesn't tell you anything about my moral? 

 **Better than you** : Hey bitch don't say it like it's a bad thing 

 **Prettier than you** : Honestly I don't know why she's dating you 

 **Daniels** : Same

 **Henrietta:** If somebody made me choose between dating Cartman and dating Wendy, I would choose Wendy

 **Smarter than you** : hey, dating me is not that bad

 **Mars:** Yes it is

 **Token:** Yes it is

 **Better than you** : Yes it is

 **Smarter than you** : I hate you all

 

_**Starbucks** changed **Better than you** to **Buddha**  _

 

_**Starbucks** changed **Smarter than you** to **Testicle**  _

 

_**Starbucks** changed **Prettier than you** to **Malefica**_

 

_**Starbucks** changed **Craig Fucker** to **Cregg**_

 

 **Cregg:** I feel betrayed 

 **Buddha:** Tweek wtf 

 **Testicle:** Craig what the fuck 

 **Cregg:** Why are you asking me 

 **Testicle:** Is your boyfriend and you're a bad influence on him

 **Cregg:** Listen here you bitch

 **Starbucks:** I was tired of not knowing who was who

 **Cregg:** What about me? 

 **Starbucks:** I love you 

 **Cregg:** Yeah, but, what about my name

 **Starbucks:** Token, you owe me twenty bucks 

 **Token:** Fuck

 **Cregg:** what is going on 

 **Malefica:** I'm pretty sure is about you being whipped 

 **Cregg:** I thought we already had this conversation 

 **Malefica:** Yes, and we came to the conclusion that you're whipped 

 **Cregg:** is2fg

 **Token:** I was sure he wouldn't change your username to Cregg

 **Cregg:** why not

 **Token:** Because he loves you and all that gay stuff

 **Cregg:** You surely don't know Tweek like I do 

 **Starbucks:** Yes you don't. I want my twenty bucks 

 **Token:** Craig you created a monster 

 **Cregg:** He was already a monster, don't fucking blame me

 **Buddha:** why is my fucking name Buddha you dipshit

 **Starbucks:** You're fat

 **Buddha:** Hey! 

 **Mars:** Tweek, you're a blessing and a curse

 **Cregg:** Don't call my boyfriend a curse

 **Cregg:** You're not a curse babe

 **Buddha:** gay

 **Cregg:** Yeah, and? 

 **Testicle:** why is everyone making bets today

 **Daniels:** We we're tempted by the gayness 

 **Malefica:** Let's make a group bet

 **Cregg:** I have a bad feeling about that 

 **Kyle B** : same

 **Henrietta:** I'm not joining anything you do, let me out of your crap. 

 **Malefica:** Well, is not a group bet anymore. 

 **Crybaby:** What do you want to bet?

 **Malefica:** I bet that we can't last a week without making a bet

 **Cregg:** You're basically making a bet rn

 **Malefica:** WELL, YES

 **Malefica:** Choose your sides!

 **Not Mexican** : I say no

 **Testicle:** Yes

 **Mars:** Yes

 **Henrietta:** You fucks can't last a week without betting. I say no.

 **Buddha:** Bitch don't underestimate us. I say yes.

 **Kyle B** : no

 **Cregg:** No.

 **Starbucks:** No.

 **Crybaby:** yesss

 **Buttercup:** Yes!

 **The purest™** : Yes.

 **Token:** Yes.

 **Daniels:** ... No

 **Malefica:** And I say no too! Everyone bets ten dollars. The choose that wins collects the money and do whatever they want with it. Got it?

 **Testicle:** Suddenly I feel like this is a bad idea

 

 **Cregg:** Pay us.

 **Henrietta:** Not even an hour. I'm not surprised.

 **Token:** wtf what happened

 **Testicle:** Stan is an idiot and made a bet with Kyle

 **Kyle B** : I had to kiss David but I have 40 bucks now

 **Not Mexican** : Oh, so that's what happened!

 **Henrietta:** I don't know how to feel now.

 **Buddha:** Your boyfriend is an idiot, how does that make you feel?

 **Henrietta:** I feel like now I can relate to Wendy.

 **Buddha:** Hey!

 **Testicle:** You asked for that one

 **Cregg:** Anyway, pay us. I want to buy food for Stripe and Dot.

 **Buddha:** Those are stupids names

 **Cregg:** What the hell did you just said about my babies you fatass.

 **Starbucks:** Pray that we don't find you

 **Token:** rip

 **Crybaby:** rip

 **Testicle:** oh cool now I'm a widow

 **Malefica:** why do you date him again?

 **Testicle:** Honestly I don't know anymore

 

 **Cregg:** We went to buy food and ended with two new Guinea pigs

 **Buttercup:** Oh! What are they're names?

 **Cregg:** Stripe #2 and Dot #2

 **Daniels:** You guys are terrible

 **Cregg:** rn we're in front of Cartman's house and he doesn't want to come out

 **Testicle:** please don't kill my boyfriend

 **Cregg:** no promises

 

 **Starbucks:** We didn't kill him because his mom gave us food

 **Henrietta:** What a lucky son of a bitch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, Kyle and David aren't dating... Yet. The same goes to Clyde and Bebe and Kenny and Butters.


	4. Kenny doesn't know what is virginity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malefica: what did I missed
> 
> The purest™: scroll up
> 
> Malefica: oh
> 
> Malefica: oh god

**Cregg:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

**Cregg:** I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

**Gregg:** TWEEK COME TO MY HOUSE NOW TRICIA WANTS TO KILL ME BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY SCREAMING

**Crybaby:** WHAT HAPPENED?!

**Malefica:** If Craig is this freaked out, probably something bad

**Starbucks:** WTF WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY CRAIG?

**Gregg:** I'm going to pass out. Bye.

**Starbucks:** CRAIG TUCKER DON'T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME

**Mars:** What is happening here

**Malefica:** We don't know. Craig just came and started to freak out.

**Daniels:** Do you think something that bad happened?

**Testicle:** Is Craig, you can't never know with him

**Starbucks:** He was freaking out because Dot #2 was giving birth

**Testicle:** They gave her to you... pregnant?

**Starbucks:** And we didn't knew anything. Craig has never seen something like this, he always had males pigs.

**Starbucks:** And you know how much he cares about his Guinea pigs. He was truly worried.

**Malefica:** Is Dot #2 alright?

**Starbucks:** Yes, and so are her babies. Dude, they're so little.

 

_**Starbucks** send **justlookatthem.jpg**_

 

**Henrietta:** I want one.

**Testicle:** I want one too!

**Daniels:** I can't have one, mom's afraid of them

**Malefica:** I have cats. Damn.

**Cregg:** wtf I'm not giving away my grandchildren.

**Mars:** oh god

**Buddha:** Wendy you can't have a Guinea pig

**Testicle:** what.

**Buddha:** I was going to give you a cat!

**Buddha:** And cats are way better than Guinea pigs

**Cregg:** I dare you to say that again.

**Testicle:** ... You're giving me a cat?

**Buddha:** well, yeah

**Buddha:** our anniversary is close and that

**Malefica:** I can't believe it

**Malefica:** Cartman is actually a caring boyfriend

**Testicle:** Eric, you didn't have to!

**Buddha:** But I want to. And now that you know you can go with me to the refugee and choose one

**Testicle:** Of course.

**Daniels:** Just letting you know that Wendy is crying rn

**Testicle:** Nichole!

**Buddha:** Stop crying I'm buying you ice cream too.

**Kyle** **B** : ... Just what the hell did I just read.

 

**Not Mexican** : So, Craig is a grandpa now?

**Cregg:** Seems like it

**Not Mexican** : I have so many things to say

**Cregg:** Then say it

**Not Mexican** : nah

**Crybaby:** I want to know them!

**Cregg:** You aren't coming anywhere near my children

**The purest™** : Isn't ironic that the only couple that can't have children, is the first one to have them?

**Crybaby:** Is even more ironic if you consider that they're both virgins.

**Cregg:** I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU

**Cregg:** AND THIS IS HOW YOU PAY ME

**The purest™** : wait what

**Cregg:** We're not longer friends, Clyde

**Mars:** Craig and Tweek are virgins?

**Starbucks:** OH GOD CLYDE WHY DID YOU TELL THEM

**Starbucks:** NOW THEY KNOW AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF US

**Cregg:** thank you, asshole

**Malefica:** what did I missed

**The purest™** : scroll up

**Malefica:** oh

**Malefica:** oh god

**Buddha:** are you telling me that one of the two longest relationships in this group never fucked?

**Buddha:** dude, even Wendy and I had fucked

**Malefica:** Wendy is so going to kill you

**Buddha:** nah, she's to busy playing with Oreo

**Malefica:** You named the cat Oreo?

**Buddha:** Hey, she picked the name

**Buttercup:** I'm a virgin too...

**Mars:** yeah, but

**Mars:** you're Butters

**Mars:** We knew it

**The purest™** : I'm virgin

**Kyle B** : Nobody is going to believe you that bullshit, Kenny

**The purest™** : well I tried

**Kyle B** : You got a fucking bj when you were a kid, Kenny

**The purest™** : Yeah, that was cool

**Mars:** I don't know how you're dating Butters

**The purest™** : what

**Buttercup:** huh?

**Buddha:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Buddha:** OH GOD YOU'RE SO STUPID STAN

**Mars:** WHAT?! THEY'RE PRETTY OBVIOUS!

**The purest™** : dude, we aren't dating

**Buttercup:** Ah... You thought I was dating Kenny?

**Mars:** Well, dude, you two are very gay

**Kyle B** : Stan wtf

**Kyle B** : Going with your logic then we are dating too

**Mars:** No, but. We are best friends

**Kyle B** : So are they!

**Malefica:** Guys, please. Stop trying to turn everyone gay

**Henrietta:** Stan why are you like this babe.

**Mars:** I'm sorry

**Crybaby:** _b a b e_

**Henrietta:** Oh fuck.

**Token:** The world is coming to an end.

**Daniels:** I don't know what to believe anymore.

**Henrietta:** Stop being so drama queens.

**Crybaby:** Hey wait a minute

**Crybaby:** So, everyone aside from Craig, Tweek or Butters had fucked or, at lest, do something sexual?

**Kyle B** : I think so

**Mars:** yeah, why?

**Crybaby:** BEBE I WANT MY MONEY

**Malefica:** oh for fucks sake

 

**Testicle:** ERIC WTF WE HAVEN'T FUCKED

**Mars:** I knew it 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but whatevs.


	5. The Asians did it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testicle: I think they're drawing Kenny and Butters??? Idk
> 
> The purest™: they're what
> 
> Cregg: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
> 
> Cregg: OH MY FUCKING GOD

**Cregg:** Petition to kill Clyde

**Token:** Petition denied

**Cregg:** dammit

**Mars:** what happened?

**Cregg:** Aside from the fact that the fucker told everybody that Tweek and I never fucked? God, I don't know

**Kyle B** : I don't see what's the big deal

**Cregg:** The big deal is that Tweek is now afraid that everyone is going to make fun of us for being virgins. He's scared, and sad and I hate to see him like this so I'm going to kill Clyde.

**Crybaby:** Dude, I didn't know he was going to react like that!

**Cregg:** You didn't know that Tweek, the boy that is afraid of his own shadow in Halloween, was going to react all paranoid when people find out that we're both virgins?

**Cregg:** I'm going to destroy you, Donovan.

**Testicle:** But we aren't going to make fun of you!

**Cregg:** You tell him that

**Testicle:** Alright. I'm going to his house and make sure he knows we aren't going to make fun of him or you

**Testicle:** @Malefica @Daniels go with me at Tweek's house. Nichole, bring your boyfriend's ass too. I'm going to bring Eric, since I'm in his house.

**Cregg:** wait what.

**Mars:** You are seriously doing this?

**Testicle:** Yes. See you guys in an hour!

 

**Starbucks:** Clyde I'm still not talking to you.

**Kyle B** : Are you okay now?

**Starbucks:** Yeah. Craig was with me and that made me feel better, but what Wendy did really cheer me up.

**Starbucks:** Thank you again Wendy

**Testicle:** Not problem Tweek! Whenever you need.

**Crybaby:** Tweek, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!

**Token:** Just letting you know that he's crying rn

**Daniels:** can confirm

**Starbucks:** I cried too but he didn't apologize, did he?

**Cregg:** I'm so proud of you babe

**The purest™** : God, this is like a Mexican novela

**Not Mexican** : yeah

**Not Mexican** : Just imagine: Luis Antonio y su novio Carlos Alberto tienen problemas por culpa de Camilo Torreblanca, alguien a quien creían su amigo. ¿Su amistad sobrevivirá los problemas?

**Buddha:** ffs

**Testicle:** David, is not time to make Mexican jokes!

**Testicle:** Although I laughed a little bit

**Malefica:** You know Spanish?

**Testicle:** Yeah, Eric taught me

**Malefica:** CARTMAN KNOWS SPANISH?!

**Kyle B** : When we were kids he used to know a little of Spanish. It seems like he speaks fluent now.

**Token:** You weren't joking when you said he was one of the smart ones, huh

**Mars:** Kyle knows Hebrew

**Kyle B** : Only 'cause I'm jew

**Testicle:** I learnt a little bit of Japanese and Korean from the Asian girls

**Cregg:** ugh

**Testicle:** Oh, right!

**Testicle:** Did you know the Asian girls have a couple name for Tweek and Craig?

**Cregg:** Please don't tell us

**Starbucks:** Wendy don't betray me like this

**Testicle:** Is not that bad!

**Testicle:** Is Creek.

**The purest™** : ... You guys want to go to the creek?

**The purest™** : I heard is pretty _gay_ at this time of the year

**Cregg:** Testaburger, _why._

**The purest™** : Now I'm curious

**The purest™** : Wendy, now that these two are together, the Asian girls are drawing other kids or they keep fangirling over the gayness?

**Testicle:** They're still pretty into Tweek and Craig's relationship

**Cregg:** gross

**Testicle:** But I heard that they're drawing another couple

**Token:** God have mercy with them

**Testicle:** I think they're drawing Kenny and Butters??? Idk

**The purest™** : they're what

**Cregg:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Cregg:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 

_**Cregg** changed **The purest™** to **Bottom bitch.**_

 

**Bottom bitch** : gdi Craig

**Cregg:** Dude, where's Butters, I want to laugh at his reaction

**Testicle:** hold on, I'll handle this

**Testicle:** MY MILKSHAKE BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD

**Testicle:** AND THEY'RE LIKE

**Buttercup:** IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS

**Buttercup:** DAMN RIGHT

**Buttercup:** IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS

**Testicle:** Butters scroll up

**Buttercup:** ...

**Buttercup:** why did you betray me like this, Wendy

**Buttercup:** you bring me here with Milkshake

**Buttercup:** and this is how you pay me

**Bottom bitch** : Butters, is alright. We can always talk with the Asians and tell 'em to stop

**Cregg:** We did that and look

**Cregg:** Is not a bad thing, tho. I love Tweek and he makes me happy

**Cregg:** And you're pretty gay for each other, stop denying

**Starbucks:** The other day you called him "babe", Kenny

**Bottom bitch** : This has nothing to do with us being gay for each other or not

**Bottom bitch** : Don't you know his parents? They will ground him if they know that some girls at school are drawing him having sex with Kenneth fucking McCormick.

**Bottom bitch** : This bitches don't know what are they doing and they are going to make troubles for Butters if they don't stop

**Kyle B** : Kenny's right. We have to do something to help Butters

**Mars:** But, what are we going to do? Gave them another gay couple they can fantasize about?

**Kyle B** : ...

**Kyle B** : @Not Mexican

**Not Mexican** : what

**Kyle B** : scroll up

**Not Mexican** : oh hell no

**Kyle B** : David!

**Not Mexican** : look, Kyle, I love you man but I don't want a bunch of girls stuck at my ass drawing me in lewd poses with you

**Kyle B** : If we don't do something Butters is going to get grounded! He hasn't been grounded in four months. Please!

**Not Mexican** : ... Ugh. Fine. But you will have to pay for this

**Kyle B** : Count on it!

 

**Malefica:** I didn't expected that

**Crybaby:** neither did I

**Mars:** That was... certainly interesting

**Cregg:** That was pretty gay

**Buttercup:** I'm not getting grounded but... that was going a little too far

**Kyle B** : It was only a kiss, you're overreacting

**Mars:** You almost ate each other at recess

**Kyle B** : It was for Butters!

**Cregg:** It was for your ass

**Buddha:** I can't leave one day because you plan a gay thing

**Buddha:** fucking unbelievable

**Henrietta:** Letting you know that I have photos for future blackmail.

**Not Mexican** : I'm regretting so many choices in my life.

**Testicle:** Now this is like a Mexican novela

**Testicle:** David Rodríguez y su amigo judío Kyle Broflovski van en una aventura para descubrir su sexualidad, encontrándose varios baches en el camino. ¿Lograrán cumplir su objetivo?

**Not Mexican** : stop

**Testicle:** Make me

**Buddha:** god I'm so proud

**Mars:** You created a monster, Cartman

**Buddha:** She already was like this. Don't blame me

**Testicle:** Eric only taught me Spanish, you're being dramatic

**Buddha:** Let the emo kid drown in his own jealousy

**Mars:** Jealousy? Because my ex and some asshole are being monsters together?

**Mars:** I feel offended

**Malefica:** Ok, so we aren't going to talk about the fact that Kenny and Butters were holding hands or...?

**Mars:** nah. Let them be gay

**Malefica:** oh okay

 

**Crybaby:** wait, why is everyone here dating someone but me

**Token:** Eh

**Token:** Clyde, you're a good guy and that, but

**Token:** You're kind of an idiot

**Crybaby:** No I'm not!

**Henrietta:** I never hang out with you guys but I can tell Clyde is an idiot

**Crybaby:** I'm not an idiot!

**Malefica:** Awh. Let the poor guy alone. You're so mean to him.

**Crybaby:** Thank you!

**Cregg:** Stop denying it, Clyde. You're an idiot

**Starbucks:** A big idiot

**Crybaby:** Guys...

**Cregg:** He's crying isn't he

**Cregg:** gdi

**Cregg:** We're only messing with you, Clyde

**Cregg:** You're not an idiot... all the time

**Token:** You're a great friend, you know we only love to mess with each other

**Crybaby:** you do?

**Token:** Of course!

**Starbucks:** I meant what I said, tho

**Cregg:** babe please

**Starbucks:** ... You're an idiot but also a great guy

**Starbucks:** asshole

**Buddha:** Your whole gang is so gay, Craig

**Cregg:** Yeah, so?

**Daniels:** Your friendship is goals, honestly

**Cregg:** You don't know what are you saying

 

**Bottom bitch** : I want to die 

**Buttercup:** same

**Henrietta:** Same.

**Mars:** Same.

**Kyle B** : Guys! What happened?

**Bottom bitch** : Okay, so now the Asians aren't drawing me with Butters

**Bottom bitch** : But they don't stop disturbing me, asking me questions about you and David AND I'M DONE.

**Bottom bitch** : I always dreamed with a bunch of girls following me everywhere but not like this

**Buddha:** Hah.

**Not Mexican** : I told you this was a bad idea, Kyle

**Kyle B** : It was for a friend!

**Bottom bitch** : Butters and I appreciate it, but you need to stop this

**Testicle:** I'll talk to the girls

**Bottom bitch** : thank you

 

**Kyle B** : WENDY WTF THERE'S A FUCKING WALL IN THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL

**Testicle:** ups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the Kyvid begins


	6. Halloween was a mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bottom bitch: I can't believe Clyde is fucking dead guys
> 
> Starbucks: Sometimes I can still hear him cry
> 
> Mars: The kids at town call him the new Llorona
> 
> Not Mexican: Instead of drowning his children, he drowned himself on his own tears

**Crybaby:** HAPPY ALMOST HALLOWEEN, FELLAAAAAAS

**Buddha:** stfu

**Cregg:** Nobody likes you

**Token:** who are you again

**Bottom bitch** : I can't believe Clyde is fucking dead guys

**Starbucks:** Sometimes I can still hear him cry

**Mars:** The kids at town call him the new Llorona

**Not Mexican** : Instead of drowning his children, he drowned himself on his own tears

**Daniels:** You guys are terrible

**Crybaby:** I don't know why I still hang out with you fuckers

**Malefica:** you're a masochist

**Crybaby:** yeah kinda

**Kyle B** : oh god somebody save me

**Mars:** what happened?

**Kyle B** : My cousin is coming home for Halloween

**Kyle B** : _why_

**Kyle B** : We're sixteen and he's still an annoying piece of shit

**Token:** I'm throwing a party at my place, you could come

**Token:** sneak out without your cousin noticing

**Kyle B** : OH GOD THANK YOU

**Token:** I was going to invite you anyways

**Buddha:** oh, the jew is going

**Buddha:** what a golden opportunity to see him drunk

**Kyle B** : The fact that I can't deny that is killing me inside

**Cregg:** Your parents are going to be at home?

**Token:** nope

**Cregg:** sweet

**Henrietta:** Oh, please tell me you didn't invited my friends.

**Token:** I did, why?

**Henrietta:** God fucking dammit.

**Token:** wat

**Mars:** They're going to bring drugs, aren't they

**Henrietta:** Yeah. Hang on, I'm going to tell Pete to don't be fucking stupid.

**Bottom bitch** : wait no

**Mars:** too late

**Bottom bitch** : damn

**Testicle:** Oh! Is going to be a costume party?

**Token:** yes

**Testicle:** ERIIIIIIIC

**Buddha:** Hell yeah. We are going to kick their asses

**Testicle:** Met me at the mall in an hour

**Cregg:** Tweeeeeeek

**Starbucks:** No.

**Cregg:** TWEEEEEEEEEEEK

**Starbucks:** Craig, no! It's too much pressure! Everyone will be seeing us all the time!

**Cregg:** :(

**Crybaby:** oh god. Craig used an emoji

**Token:** Thank you Craig. You sentenced all of us

**Starbucks:** Craig no

**Cregg:** :(((((

**Starbucks:** babe pls don't do this

**Cregg:** :'(((((((

**Starbucks:** Fine!

**Starbucks:** asshole

**Starbucks:** my shift ends at six. Pick me up and we'll go to the mall

**Cregg:** i love you

**Starbucks:** i don't

 

**Malefica:** so

**Malefica:** I walked into Kyle and David

**Malefica:** they were kissing

**Malefica:** without anyone around

**Malefica:** Wendy where the hell are you I'm screaming

**Buttercup:** They were kissing yesterday too

**Malefica:** god they're so gay

**Buttercup:** I thought you guys already knew???

**Malefica:** knew what

**Buttercup:** Well, after the thing with the Asians were settled they started dating

**Buttercup:** like, for real

**Buttercup:** you didn't know?

**Malefica:** WE DIDN'T FUCKING KNEW

**Malefica:** @Kyle B @Not Mexican WHERE ARE YOU I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASSES

**Kyle B** : oh no

**Not Mexican** : please no, Kyle's ass is too perfect to be kicked

**Kyle B** : David please no

**Buddha:** Wendy you owe me twenty bucks

**Testicle:** goddammit

**Malefica:** what was this time

**Testicle:** who would get together first

**Testicle:** I bet for Kenny and Butters, Eric for Kyle and David

**Buttercup:** Why us?

**Testicle:** Butters, honey, you can't be serious

**Henrietta:** He's as dense as Stan ffs.

**Mars** : I feel offended

**Henrietta:** I don't care, is true.

**Crybaby:** I'm the only one single in this group?!

**Malefica:** nah

**Malefica:** I broke up with Kevin two days ago

**Daniels:** wait why

**Malefica:** I was sick of Star Wars' references

**Bottom bitch** : Could you fuckers stop betting for one day? 

**Buddha:** nah

**Bottom bitch** : gdi

**Daniels:** Where do you keep getting money to bet anyway

**Buddha:** mom

**Testicle:** I work part time

**Malefica:** wait, since when

**Testicle:** Last week?

**Testicle:** Is not big deal, I'm just working here until I have enough money to pay Eric anyways

**Mars:** ... You bet that much?

**Testicle:** Yeah, is killing me

**Mars:** Then stop betting

**Testicle:** And let Eric win? No thanks

**Crybaby:** where are you working?

**Testicle:** Somewhere

**Malefica:** ... Wendy no

**Malefica:** not there

**Testicle:** I'm sorry

**Crybaby:** what

**Malefica:** ... She's working at Raisins

**Crybaby:** ...

**Buddha:** Clyde Donovan, you dare to flirt with her and I'll cut your balls

**Crybaby:** I wasn't thinking on that!

**Token:** He was

**Crybaby:** betrayed by my own friend

**Token:** no regrets

 

**Cregg:** okay, what the actual fuck

**Cregg:** I walked into the party and saw Kyle eating David mouth

**Malefica:** scroll up

**Cregg:** I'm too lazy to do that shit

**Malefica:** idiot

**Malefica:** okay, long story short, they're dating

**Cregg:** ... Asians?

**Malefica:** yep

**Cregg:** They fucking copied us

**Cregg:** I thought the Asians were going to influence Kenny and Butters, not them

**Malefica:** you can't expect things to go according to your plans. This is South Park

**Cregg:** tru

**Cregg:** About that, has anyone seen my boyfriend?

**Malefica:** I thought he was with you?

**Cregg:** I lost him when we came

**Starbucks:** I'm locked in the bathroom

**Cregg:** why

**Starbucks:** I can't let people see me like this!

**Cregg:** C'mon, you look great

**Malefica:** You are in matching costumes?

**Cregg:** yep

**Malefica:** ...

**Malefica:** ...

**Malefica:** Craig what the fuck

**Cregg:** what?

**Malefica:** He's fucking Fiona!

**Cregg:** It were the only pair costumes left!

**Cregg:** Testaburger and Cartman took Joker and Harley Quinn

**Malefica:** I literally want to slap you

**Starbucks:** same

**Cregg:** I'm going to the bathroom

**Starbucks:** wait no

 

**Testicle:** I was wondering why Craig locked himself in the bathroom half an hour ago but now I know

**Testicle:** They're discussing or making out

**Testicle:** @Token I need to take one of your guest rooms

**Token:** ...

**Token:** Don't mess the sheets

**Testicle:** Understood!

**Mars:** wait no

**Token:** ... There are other guest rooms

**Mars:** ... Thanks

 

**Kyle B** : Suddenly I can't find Stan

**Token:** scroll up

**Kyle B** : ... Oh

**Kyle B** : Well, that explains why I couldn't find Henrietta either

**Token:** I can't believe my house is now a fucking motel

**Kyle B** : You saw this coming

**Token:** I did but I'm still good enough to do this party

**Kyle B** : Also, Wendy and Eric were in your room

**Token:** OH HELL NO

 

**Crybaby:** guys, I can't find my shoes

**Crybaby:** or my pants

**Malefica:** In the backyard

**Crybaby:** thanks!

**Mars:** my head is fuckin killin me

**Mars:** where am I

**Henrietta:** I left you in one of the guest rooms in Token's house.

**Mars:** oh

**Mars:** thanks babe

**Testicle:** I had to borrow one of Token's shirts because certain SOMEONE got dirty my blouse

**Mars:** I'm not going to ask how

**Cregg:** lmao

**Cregg:** McCormick and Stotch are sleeping in the kitchen floor

**Cregg:** they're wasted

**Starbucks:** I'm wasted

**Cregg:** I am too

**Cregg:** but this is funny af

**Malefica:** wait

**Malefica:** I can't find my bra

**Malefica:** did I slept with someone last night?

**Token:** with Clyde

**Malefica:** oh

**Malefica:** Clyde where's my bra

**Crybaby:** I couldn't find my shoes or my pants, do you think I know where is your bra?

**Crybaby:** oh wait

**Crybaby:** their in my pants

**Malefica:** give 'em to me

**Token:** this party was a mistake

**Kyle B** : I agree

 

**Buddha:** Wendy I already told you it was an accident

**Buddha:** I didn't mean to drop that candy bar on your shirt

**Mars:** ... What kind of sick kinks do you have 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy early Halloween!
> 
> Tomorrow I'm going to be too busy babysitting my cats so I'm posting this today.   
> Have a safe holiday!


	7. Protect Butters 2k17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group mom: Guys wtf why did you changed my username
> 
> Daniels: ...
> 
>  
> 
> Daniels changed Daniels to Group dad. 
> 
>  
> 
> Group mom: babe no

**Mars:** FUCKING END ME

 **Cregg:** It would be my pleasure

 **Kyle B:** wait what happened

 **Mars:** Somehow my dad found out that I kinda fucked with Henry at Token's party? 

 **Mars:** And he gave me the talk

 **Mars:** With the bees and everything!

 **Mars:** I never heard Shelly laughing so hard in my life

 **Cregg:** Dad gave me the talk too

 **Cregg:** It was traumatic

 **Mars:** ikr!

 **Mars:** More importantly

 **Mars:** He gave me the fucking talk when I'm not even a virgin anymore

 **Cregg:** As a virgin I can confirm it doesn't get any better on this side

 **Kyle B:** ... I never had the talk

 **Cregg:** Lucky bastard

 **Mars:** Is the most embarrassing thing you will face until marriage

 **Kyle B:** oh

 **Kyle B:** I don't need it anyways

 **Mars:** wait why

 **Kyle B:** uh

 **Kyle B:** 'cause I have a boyfriend?

 **Cregg:** I was gay before it was a fucking trend but I had the talk anyways

 **Cregg:** Don't feel so free of your destiny

 **Henrietta:** I can understand the pain.

 **Mars:** You had the talk too?

 **Henrietta:** Yeah.

 **Henrietta:** I never felt so ashamed of my family in my whole life.

 **Mars:** can relate.

 **Cregg:** I never thought we would bond by this bullishit

 **Mars:** Losers club, the talk edition

 **Cregg:** aaaaand you ruined it

 

 **Malefica:** We had the talk in home economics 

 **Testicle:** yep

 **Bottom bitch:** can confirm

 **Not Mexican:** You were in home economics?

 **Bottom bitch:** Of course

 **Bottom bitch:** You know all the dangers that are in shop class?

 **Bottom bitch:** I want to live, thank you

 **Buddha:** pft

 **Buddha:** I didn't need the talk, you're all a bunch of losers

 **Kyle B:** Cartman, you thought a vagina had balls

 **Kyle B:** Stop thinking you're so awesome because you're not

 **Buddha:** I'm going to kick your ass

 **Kyle B:** Like that time in Canada?

 **Buddha:** SHUT UP

 **Kyle B:** lmao no

 **Buttercup:** Dad just asked me if I was dating Kenny

 **Buttercup:** Apparently I'm getting grounded if I was

 **Buttercup:** :^)

 **Kyle B:** wtf why

 **Buttercup:** No reason.

 **Kyle B:** I want to adopt you wtf

 **Kyle B:** Your parents don't deserve you

 **Bottom bitch:** same

 **Testicle:** Kenny no

 **Bottom bitch:** wat

 **Testicle:** That would be illegal!

 **Bottom bitch:** gdi

 **Malefica:** Petition to adopt Butters

 **Testicle:** Petition accepted

 **Malefica:** Now I'm your mother, Butters

 **Buttercup:** oh

 **Buttercup:** Thank you! But, uh

 **Buttercup:** I don't wanna to get you in troubles

 **Malefica:** You're so pure I'm tearing up

 **Malefica:** Kenny pls take care of my son

 **Bottom bitch:** I'm going to start dating a random chick so you stop this bullshit

 **Bottom bitch:** I'm not dating Butters!

 **Malefica:** You're denying my son?!

 **Bottom bitch:** bebe pls

 **Buttercup:** I mean

 **Buttercup:** One date wouldn't hurt anybody

 **Bottom bitch:** what

 **Malefica:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

 **Buttercup:** If the date doesn't work then we tell 'em to stop

 **Buttercup:** But if it work... We could give it a try?

 **Bottom bitch:** but I don't like boys

 **Buttercup:** Is an experiment! You don't have to like me or anything

 **Bottom bitch:** oh

 **Bottom bitch:** well, if it make them stop alright then

 **Malefica:** I'm crying and screaming wtf

 **Testicle:** same

 **Testicle:** Eric kicked me out of the room

 **Testicle:** But this is beautiful

 **Testicle:** Eric asked me out when I devoured an hamburger in five minutes

 **Buddha:** bitch don't tell them!

 

 **Starbucks:** If Bebe is Butters' mom, who's the father?

 **Cregg:** Clyde

 **Crybaby:** what why me

 **Cregg:** You slept with her

 **Cregg:** And you're the only boy single

 **Cregg:** McCormick can't be the father because that would be incest

 **Crybaby:** oh

 **Malefica:** I want a divorce

 **Crybaby:** shortest relationship in my whole life wow

 **Starbucks:** Butters can't be in a shattered family!

 **Malefica:** shit u right

 **Malefica:** Clyde marry me again

 **Crybaby:** ok

 **Malefica:** Couldn't you be more excited?

 **Crybaby:** we divorced literally a minute again

 **Crybaby:** how do u expect me to react

 **Cregg:** wait no

 **Cregg:** Token is the mom

 **Malefica:** what

 **Crybaby:** oh right!

 **Malefica:** You can't take away my son!

 **Cregg:** hang on I got this

 

_**Cregg** changed **Token** to **Group Mom**. _

 

 **Cregg:** There you go

 **Malefica:** oh

 **Malefica:** ok then

 **Malefica:** Clyde I want the divorce again

 **Crybaby:** unbelievable

 

 **Henrietta:** Say hi fuckers.

 

_**Henrietta** send **hernameiscthulhu.jpg**_

 

 **Cregg:** You named her Cthulhu?

 **Henrietta:** yep

 **Cregg:** I changed my mind, give her back

 **Henrietta:** nope

 **Starbucks:** You'll have to brought her a friend. Guinea pigs can die of loneliness 

 **Henrietta:** Already on it.

 **Henrietta:** @Mars where are you.

 **Mars:** I just got out of the pet store.

 **Mars:** I'm bringing food, a cage and Jade.

 **Henrietta:** Sweet. I'll pay you when you get here.

 **Mars:** Got it.

 **Buddha:** Oh wow. How are you going to pay him.

 **Henrietta:** He spent his own money. I'm giving it back.

 **Buddha:** boring

 **Henrietta:** well, sorry for have a decent boyfriend who doesn't think with his dick all the time.

 **Buddha:** What are you trying to say?

 **Henrietta:** Exactly what you are thinking, fatass.

 **Malefica:** Why do you never hang out with us?

 **Henrietta:** I appreciate my life.

 **Malefica:** makes sense

 

 **Group mom:** Guys wtf why did you changed my username

 **Daniels:** ...

 

_**Daniels** changed **Daniels** to **Group dad**. _

 

 **Group mom:** babe no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will have an actual plot  
> Wooooo


	8. Is Kenny gay or European?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malefica: You're so gay, Kenny
> 
> Bottom bitch: I'm straight!
> 
> Buttercup: You weren't that yesterday
> 
> Malefica: oh my fucking god

**Cregg:** Hello everybody, my name is Craig Tucker and this is Jackass

 **Starbucks:** what happened?!

 **Cregg:** I forgot I had to pick up Tricia from soccer

 **Cregg:** Half an hour ago :3c

 **Starbucks:** I'll play Red Racer in your funeral

 **Cregg:** I love you so much it hurts

 **Cregg:** anyways, time to get my ass kicked. Bye.

 **Mars:** That once happened to me with Shelley

 **Mars:** It was terrifying

 **Starbucks:** I'm confused. Is her name Shelly or Shelley?

 **Mars:** ... Idk

 **Mars:** man, even she doesn't know sometimes

 **Kyle B:** Quality brotherhood 

 **Mars:** You have no right to talk

 **Kyle B:** No I don't

 **Kyle B:** But I don't care, lmao

 **Buddha:** I would be a perfect big brother

 **Kyle B:** No you don't

 **Buddha:** why the fuck don't

 **Kyle B:** That kid would be the anti Christ if it was your brother

 **Buddha:** Nah

 **Buddha:** I would raise him to kill you and become the new Hitler

 **Kyle B:** You're incredible and I hope you never have kids

 **Buddha:** ...

 **Buddha:** Yeah, right, I'm never having kids

 **Kyle B:** what

 **Buddha:** Fuck you

 **Kyle B:** Dude, what the fuck

 

 **Cregg:** I'm died

 **Group mom:** died

 **Crybaby:** died

 **Starbucks:** died

 **Malefica:** died

 **Cregg:** yeah, died, fuck you assholes

 **Cregg:** also, wtf Bebe, why did you joined the chain

 **Malefica:** I wanted to

 **Cregg:** ok then

 **Malefica:** anyways

 **Malefica:** has any of you seen Wendy today?

 **Cregg:** nope

 **Crybaby:** Why don't you ask Cartman?

 **Malefica:** He isn't at home

 **Cregg:** He was here early

 **Malefica:** @Buddha where are you fatass

 **Kyle B:** I saw him getting in the car with his mom earlier

 **Kyle B:** Wendy was with him, too

 **Malefica:** Are they out in a date or something?

 **Kyle B:** If it was the case, wouldn't they go alone?

 **Malefica:** u right

 **Malefica:** something is wrong, fuck

 **Cregg:** whatever it is, I don't think is that bad

 **Cregg:** we all know Cartman, if it was something important he would be making a big deal from it

 **Bottom bitch:** why are you all worrying about Cartman

 **Malefica:** we're not worrying about him. I'm worried about Wendy.

 **Bottom bitch:** oh. Then is good

 **Malefica:** now that you are here and I need to distract myself

 **Bottom bitch:** oh no

 **Malefica:** how was the date?

 **Bottom bitch:** I'm not answering anything without the presence of my lawyer

 **Cregg:** Petition to be his lawyer

 **Malefica:** Petition accepted

 **Cregg:** Go ahead

 **Bottom bitch:** fuck you

 **Malefica:** ...

 **Malefica:** @Buttercup

 **Bottom bitch:** wait no

 **Buttercup:** yeah?

 **Malefica:** how was the date?

 **Buttercup:** oh, it went great! Kenny was nervous and even brought me a bouquet, then we went to the cine and then we ate ice cream.

 **Malefica:** he fucking brought you a bouquet?

 **Malefica:** You're so gay, Kenny

 **Bottom bitch:** I'm straight!

 **Buttercup:** You weren't that yesterday

 **Malefica:** oh my fucking god

 

_**Cregg** changed **Bottom bitch** to **Nicos.**_

 

 _ **Cregg** changed **Buttercup** to **Carlos.**_  

 

 **Nicos:** god fucking damn it

 **Carlos:** Oh, even Craig got the reference!

 **Cregg:** Tweek likes Legally Blonde.

 **Carlos:** He has good taste my man

 **Cregg:** He surely does

 **Malefica:** So, you two are dating yet or...?

 **Carlos:** oh no. I don't like Kenny that way

 **Malefica:** what

 **Carlos:** yeah. This was just so you stop pairing us and that

 **Carlos:** It was pretty uncomfortable

 **Malefica:** oh my god, I'm so sorry

 **Carlos:** Also letting you know that I was lying while making up with Kenny and this was his idea

 **Nicos:** Pays you right, assholes

 **Malefica:** I don't know how to feel anymore

 **Cregg:** I do

 **Cregg:** @Starbucks babe

 **Starbucks:** what

 **Cregg:** Come to my house. I'm going to watch Legally Blonde

 **Starbucks:** !!!

 **Starbucks:** give me ten minutes!

 **Nicos:** How come they always find a way to do gay things in advantage of others

 **Malefica:** They're the power couple of the gays. You can't underestimate their powers

 **Nicos:** they're dorks, basically

 **Malefica:** yeah, big dorks

 

 **Mars:** So, who all who have been wondering

 **Mars:** Wendy and Cartman are back in town

 **Mars:** @Malefica read

 **Malefica:** !!!

 **Malefica:** @Testicle WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCH YOU HAD ME SICK WORRIED

 **Testicle:** Oh, fuck, Stan!

 **Mars:** you're welcome

 **Testicle:** ugh

 **Testicle:** I think I do owe you an explanation, Bebe

 **Malefica:** damn right you do

 **Testicle:** I was in Denver with Eric and Mrs. Cartman

 **Testicle:** In the hospital, because everyone in this town would find out if I did this in Hell's pass

 **Malefica:** Hospital?! Something happened?!

 **Testicle:** Since we are talking in the group, I'm going to announce it to all of you at once

 **Testicle:** I'm pregnant

 **Malefica:** What

 **Mars:** what

 **Testicle:** It was an accident! We don't know how this happened! We were protecting, I was taking the damn pills!

 **Testicle:** we just... we don't know

 **Malefica:** what are you going to do?

 **Testicle:** I'm not aborting, that's for sure

 **Testicle:** but... I had so many plans for my future, you know? I wanted to go to college, to be a professional, to build myself a good life

 **Testicle:** and instead I got pregnant at fucking sixteen in a chance of 1 on 100!

 **Testicle:** I don't know what I'm going to do, Bebe. I don't fucking know.

 **Malefica:** want me to come over?

 **Testicle:** please

 **Mars:** how did Cartman reacted?

 **Testicle:** he was pretty supportive, actually. He assured me that he was going to be there for me

 **Testicle:** and at least that's a good thing in all this

 **Mars:** just... Whatever you need, you know you can count on me

 **Testicle:** yeah, I know... Thank you

 

 **Cregg:** I left for three and a half hours and this happens

 **Cregg:** anyways

 **Cregg:** Testaburger, we don't talk that much but if you need anything you can ask me

 **Cregg:** The same goes for Tweek

 **Crybaby:** Yeah, me too!

 **Group dad:** You know you can always count on me, girlfriend.

 **Group mom:** I will be happy to help with anything you need

 **Henrietta:** I don't like you but that baby doesn't have to suffer the consequences, so the same goes for me.

 **Not Mexican:** We won't talk very often, but I'll be pleased to help with anything I can

 **Kyle B:** I don't want to just say what everyone is saying, but you can count on me

 **Carlos:** The same goes for Kenny and I

 **Buddha:** ...

 **Buddha:** Wendy is asleep

 **Buddha:** but, uh

 **Buddha:** Thank you for being supportive with her

 **Buddha:** and that

 **Kyle B:** Anytime buddy

 **Buddha:** I'm still raising my child to kill you and become the new Hitler

 **Kyle B:** And the bonding moment is ruined. Thanks a lot.

 

 **Testicle:** ... Thank you all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but hey actual plot woo  
> We will resume to the random shit because I can't do this


	9. Karen's appreciation day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testicle: I met Karen and I feel blessed
> 
> Testicle: My skin is clear, my crops are flourishing, my grades are up, Donald Trump isn't president anymore
> 
> Testicle: Everything is okay in the world
> 
> Malefica: Lucky bitch

**Cregg:** @Starbucks

 **Starbucks:** what

 **Cregg:** ...

 **Cregg:** Sugar.

 **Starbucks:** oh no

 **Cregg:** oh, honey, honey

 **Cregg:** You are my candy boy~

 **Cregg:** And you've got me wanting you

 **Starbucks:** craig stop pls

 **Cregg:** ... Fine.

 **Starbucks:** Thank you

 **Cregg:** HONEY

 **Cregg:** AH, SUGAR, SUGAR

 **Starbucks:** DUDE!

 **Cregg:** I'm sick, let me be sappy so I can regret it later

 **Buddha:** Was he singing Sugar Sugar by The Archies?

 **Starbucks:** yes

 **Buddha:** pft lame

 **Testicle:** Be nice, Eric

 **Buddha:** nah, fuck 'em

 **Testicle:** _Eric._

 **Buddha:** ... fine

 **Cregg:** whip.mp3

 **Buddha:** stfu

 **Testicle:** Why aren't you with Craig, Tweek?

 **Starbucks:** No way! What if I get sick, and then my parents get sick, and then they infect all their clients and their coffee shops has to be closed by salubrity?!

 **Testicle:** ... Woah

 **Cregg:** ikr

 **Cregg:** He gets like this when we aren't together for too long

 **Cregg:** And he gets worse

 **Starbucks:** craig pls get better soon

 **Cregg:** I'll try my best

 **Starbucks:** try harder

 **Testicle:** You have the flu?

 **Cregg:** Yes. Is horrible

 **Cregg:** You know how my voice is nasal and I sound sick all the time?

 **Cregg:** Now I sound worst

 **Starbucks:** he does. Is fucking hilarious

 **Cregg:** If you found it hilarious why the fuck aren't you visiting me

 **Cregg:** you're the worst boyfriend ever

 **Cregg:** I'm gonna break up with you and then I'm going to die because I can't live without you

 **Starbucks:** Craig, this isn't necessary

 **Cregg:** can't talk, im dead

 **Starbucks:** Does that mean we already broke up?!

 **Buddha:** ... Are we like them?

 **Testicle:** all the time

 **Buddha:** We're fucking lame dude

 **Testicle:** yep

 **Testicle:** then again, I can't expect nothing if I'm dating you

 **Buddha:** hey!

 

 **Starbucks:** hey there

 **Starbucks:** I'm fucking sick :)

 **Mars:** lmao

 **Cregg:** I regret nothing

 **Starbucks:** I regret kissing you

 **Starbucks:** And visiting you

 **Starbucks:** I don't regret eating your soup

 **Cregg:** mom made me that soup

 **Starbucks:** I know. Tell her it was delicious

 **Cregg:** k

 **Nicos:** Sorry for interrupt your love square but I need your help in something

 **Cregg:** what is it

 **Nicos:** can you guys give me money?

 **Cregg:** what

 **Nicos:** Is not for me! Is just... Karen has been doing great in school and I want to give her something nice, yk

 **Nicos:** But work is not going well lately and I'm not making good money

 **Nicos:** I don't want to give her another doll from a .99 cents store

 **Cregg:** well, luckily for you, I know the perfect kind hearted men who can help you

 **Cregg:** @Group mom

 **Group mom:** what

 **Cregg:** scroll up and read

 **Group mom:** oh

 **Group mom:** sure Kenny. How much do you need?

 **Nicos:** can you give me at least 50 bucks? I promise you I'll pay you back as soon as I can

 **Group mom:** nah, it's cool. Is for your little sister, you don't have to pay me nothing

 **Nicos:** you don't know how grateful I am rn

 **Nicos:** thank you Token

 **Group mom:** np

 **Malefica:** can I give Kenny a hug?

 **Group dad:** me too pls

 **Testicle:** let's give Kenny a group hug

 **Testicle:** @Carlos join us

 **Carlos:** Sure!

 **Cregg:** he didn't thanked me ffs

 **Malefica:** shut up Craig

 **Cregg:** make me

 **Malefica:** @Starbucks come here and shut up your boyfriend

 **Starbucks:** shut up Craig

 **Cregg:** biggest betrayal in my whole life

 

 **Nicos:** petition to make Token new Karen's uncle

 **Group dad:** wait why

 **Nicos:** he. spent. 1000$. on. her

 **Group dad:** what

 **Group mom:** guys, I have a totally reasonable explanation 

 **Group dad:** what is it?

 **Group mom:** ... Karen is the purest girl in the world and deserves to be loved and protected

 **Nicos:** _thank you_

 **Group mom:** Is just

 **Group mom:** Kenny brought her to the mall so she could pick whatever she wants, right?

 **Group mom:** And she literally picked the cheapest toy in the whole store

 **Group mom:** And when I asked her why she said she didn't want to take advantage of me

 **Group mom:** And she said it so sweetly that I actually cried

 **Nicos:** He did

 **Group mom:** I totally accept to be her uncle. Told her I'm paying her university

 **Nicos:** !!!!

 **Nicos:** dude she started to cry what do I do?!?!?

 **Group mom:** add her to the group pls

 **Nicos:** alright

 **Nicos:** If any of you assholes say something mean to her I will murder you

 

_**Nicos** added **Karen McCormick** to **Gay and shiny.**_

 

 **Karen McCormick:** huh? What is this?

 **Karen McCormick:** Kenny what is this?

 **Group mom:** Hi Karen. I'm Token. You remember me, right?

 **Karen McCormick:** Of course I do! Thank you again for all you did for me today.

 **Group mom:** It was my pleasure, sweetie. Now, did Kenny told you what I said about your university?

 **Karen McCormick:** Yes, he told me. You don't have to! I can work to gain a scholarship at Denver's University

 **Group mom:** It's very brave of you to have a plan like that. But I want to help you, Karen. And I know you are a very smart little girl, so you deserve to go to the best university. Maybe even a college. Wouldn't you like to be able to do that?

 **Karen McCormick:** It would be nice...

 **Group mom:** Then is settled!

 **Karen McCormick:** Thank you so much, Token! I promise you I will work hard to don't let you down!

 **Karen McCormick:** Now... Can I please leave from here? I have to do homework.

 **Group mom:** Of course, sweetie. Go ahead.

 **Karen McCormick:** Thank you again!

 

_**Karen McCormick** left the group. _

 

 **Group mom:** I'm crying

 **Group dad:** same

 **Nicos:** same

 **Cregg:** same

 **Malefica:** Petition to become Karen McCormick's protection squad

 **Cregg:** Petition accepted

 **Testicle:** Kenny, why didn't you told us you have such a sweet sister?

 **Nicos:** I want to keep her innocence intact until she's 30

 **Testicle:** seems fair enough

 **Nicos:** Token, are you sure you don't want me to pay you back?

 **Group mom:** nah dude, seriously, is alright

 **Group mom:** besides, I'm her uncle now, right? I want to give her a hug and a good future

 **Nicos:** If you weren't so straight and I wasn't with Butters I would marry you in this moment

 

 **Kyle B:** I just read the conversation and I'm crying wtf

 **Mars:** same

 **Crybaby:** same

 **Mars:** you're always crying Clyde

 **Crybaby:** r00d

 **Buddha:** Kenny never let us talk to his sister and I think I understand why now

 **Carlos:** I always talk with Karen

 **Testicle:** dick

 **Malefica:** I'm fucking jealous

 **Malefica:** @Nicos KENNY LET ME TALK WITH KAREN

 **Nicos:** nope

 **Testicle:** what about me?

 **Nicos:** okay

 **Testicle:** YEY

 **Malefica:** Oh come on!

 **Nicos:** Bebe, I love you but you are a bad influence in a little innocent girl like Karen

 **Malefica:** fuck you Kenny

 **Nicos:** See? That's why you're a bad influence

 **Cregg:** Is Kenny the only one here with a decent younger sibling?

 **Kyle B:** seems that way

 **Cregg:** unfair

 **Not Mexican:** that reminds me

 

 _ **Not Mexican** changed **Kyle B** to **BROflovski.**_  

 

 **BROflovski:** dude why

 **Not Mexican:** You were the only one with a normal name

 **Not Mexican:** It wasn't fair

 **BROflovski:** Henrietta also has a normal name!

 **Not Mexican:** yes, but... She's Henrietta

 **BROflovski:** fuck you

 

 **Testicle:** I met Karen and I feel blessed

 **Testicle:** My skin is clear, my crops are flourishing, my grades are up, Donald Trump isn't president anymore

 **Testicle:** Everything is okay in the world

 **Malefica:** Lucky bitch

 **Buddha:** How did it went?

 **Testicle:** Karen is literally the humanization of purity and kindness and innocence

 **Testicle:** And I just want to hug her all the day

 **Testicle:** Eric, can she be the godmother of our child?

 **Buddha:** It would be a real honor

 **Buddha:** @Nicos hey tell Karen if she wants to be the godmother of my kid

 **Nicos:** she says yes

 **Buddha:** Then is all settled

 **Malefica:** Hey! Is not fair!

 **Nicos:** stop fighting over my sister guys wtf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Karen McCormick with all my heart and I just want her to be happy.


	10. Lesbians, lemonade and idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buddha: CRAIG YOU ASSHOLE
> 
> Cregg: that's me
> 
> Buddha: YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS
> 
> Cregg: oh no. What am I going to do? I'm so afraid, somebody help me.

**Not Mexican:** I'm confused

**Not Mexican:** wasn't Annie Knitts dating Daniel Tanner?

**Testicle:** They broke up two months ago. Why?

**Not Mexican:** She came to my parent's restaurant

**Not Mexican:** With Red

**Malefica:** oh that

**Malefica:** we all think they have something but they don't say anything about it

**Testicle:** I always thought Red was into girls

**Malefica:** oh my god, I thought that too!

**Group dad:** I think she hinted it once

**Group dad:** Remember when we watched Twilight and we were just saying how handsome was Edward?

**Group dad:** Red said nothing about it and instead kept complaining about Belle's lack of expressions

**Malefica:** You have to admit her acting was awful

**Group dad:** I'm not denying that, but she said nothing about Edward!

**Testicle:** Now, now, that doesn't mean anything

**Not Mexican:** nvm they kissed

**Malefica:** check kiss or kiss kiss?

**Not Mexican:** kiss kiss

**Not Mexican:** lmao Annie noticed I was here and started to panicking

**Not Mexican:** I will give her free sopaipillas

**Testicle:** The mystery is solved

**Malefica:** Well

**Malefica:** That just means two girls out of the fight for boys

**Testicle:** I still can't believe you're the only one single

**Malefica:** I still can't believe you're dating Eric Cartman

**Testicle:** touche

 

**Not Mexican:** now I hate working here

**Malefica:** what happened?

**Not Mexican:** Can you tell me why the more obnoxious couples are in a double date here?

**Malefica:** I know you're talking about Wendy and Cartman, but who's the other obnoxious couple?

**Not Mexican:** Kenny and Butters

**Malefica:** I'm shook

**Not Mexican:** I'M PISSED OFF

**Not Mexican:** @BROflovski why aren't you into PDA i want to annoy them

**Malefica:** Wendy would enjoy that

**Not Mexican:** shit u right

**Cregg:** Tell Cartman somebody sent him a drink

**Cregg:** And give him lemonade with chile

**Not Mexican:** ... Why

**Cregg:** I'll pay the lemonade

**Not Mexican:** brb

**Malefica:** craig why

**Cregg:** He put a cricket in Tweek's backpack yesterday

**Cregg:** I want revenge

**Malefica:** How's Tweek?

**Cregg:** oh, he's good.

**Cregg:** he already planned something to pay him back

**Malefica:** you know that's going to end in a war, right?

**Cregg:** nobody fucks with my boyfriend and goes away without a consequence

**Malefica:** why do you have to be gay

**Cregg:** idk

**Not Mexican:** CARTMAN SPIT THE LEMONADE ON KENNY OMFG

**Not Mexican:** WENDY IS LAUGHING SO HARD I'M ACTUALLY WORRIED

**Not Mexican:** now Butters is laughing

**Not Mexican:** omg Craig thank you for this blessing

**Cregg:** it was my pleasure

**Not Mexican:** oh no Cartman is mad

**Not Mexican:** gotta go

**Malefica:** rip

**Cregg:** rip

 

**Buddha:** CRAIG YOU ASSHOLE

**Cregg:** that's me

**Buddha:** YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS

**Cregg:** oh no. What am I going to do? I'm so afraid, somebody help me.

**Starbucks:** you do something to Craig and I will kick your fat ass all the way to Africa. :)

**Cregg:** ...

**Cregg:** im gay

**Cregg:** im so gay

**Buddha:** ugh get a room

**Starbucks:** besides, you deserved the lemonade thing!

**Buddha:** The cricket was harmful!

**Starbucks:** I'M FUCKING AFRAID OF INSECTS THANK YOU VERY MUCH

**Buddha:** pussy

**Cregg:** the hell did you say about Tweek.

**Buddha:** You two are unbelievable

**Cregg:** You're lucky you have a girlfriend, stop tempting your fucking luck

**Testicle:** Eric, stop fighting

**Buddha:** they started!

**Testicle:** No they didn't

**Buddha:** I hate you all

**BROflovski:** first of all, @Not Mexican I don't want to he stalked by the Asians, that's why

**BROflovski:** second of all

**BROflovski:** I can't be the only one relieved because Cartman and Wendy's relationship isn't like Cartman and Heidi's one, right?

**Mars:** you're too involved into Cartman's romantic life dude, that's weird

**BROflovski:** No I'm not!

**BROflovski:** I'm only worried for the poor souls that end with him

**Mars:** it's the same bro

**BROflovski:** No it isn't!

**Buddha:** why did you have to mention Heidi ugh

**BROflovski:** Heidi was a nice girl

**Buddha:** Heidi was a manipulative bitch

**BROflovski:** whatever fatass

**Malefica:** Can we talk about the fact that Annie and Red didn't told us about their relationship

**Testicle:** hold on

 

_**Testicle** added **Alien Queen** to **Gay and shiny.**  _

_**Testicle** added **Goldilocks** to **Gay and shiny.**_

 

**Alien Queen:** what

**Testicle:** we demand an explanation.

**Alien Queen:** goddammit David!

**Goldilocks:** we didn't told you because I didn't want to

**Testicle:** what, why?

**Malefica:** I feel hurt and offended

**Group dad:** same

**Alien Queen:** who is who I'm confused

**Testicle:** Wendy

**Malefica:** Bebe

**Group dad:** Nichole

**Alien Queen:** Nichole wtf

**Group dad:** long story

**Testicle:** I still don't know why you didn't want to tell us, Annie

**Goldilocks:** You would make a big deal about it

**Testicle:** No we don't

**Goldilocks:** ...

**Goldilocks:** Really?

**Testicle:** ...

**Testicle:** Bebe stop whatever you're doing right now

**Malefica:** FU

**Group dad** : Bebe, what were you doing

**Malefica:** nothing

**Group dad:** ...

**Malefica:** ...

**Malefica:** I was making a banner

**Alien Queen:** fucking unbelievable

**Malefica:** Stop judging me!

**Malefica:** I don't have a boyfriend, enjoy other people's relationships is my only way out from my loneliness

**Alien Queen:** pls don't do it with us, is awkward

**Malefica:** You're a bad friend

 

**Not Mexican:** kyle you hurt me

**BROflovski:** yeah, i don't care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I got sucked by Phone Destroyer and The Walking Dead.  
> I'm not okay. 
> 
> I also don't have imagination and that's why this chapter sucks  
> I'm so sorry


	11. Rainbow wars - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crybaby: guys
> 
> Crybaby: my hair is green
> 
> Malefica: alright I'm joining Craig now
> 
> Group mom: I will miss you guys

_**Cregg** added 8 persons to **Kill Cartman**._

 

**Cregg:** alright, let's start with this fucking war

**Malefica:** ok, I'm confused, what happened?

**Cregg:** He shaved one of my guinea pigs. :)

**Starbucks:** I'm going to kill that son of a bitch.

**Crybaby:** He did WHAT?!

**Group mom:** no wonder why you are so angry, Craig

**Cregg:** oh, I'm not angry

**Cregg:** I'M FURIOUS

**Cregg:** There are two rules in my life. 1. Don't fuck with Tweek. 2. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH MY GUINEA PIGS.

**Cregg:** Tweek, honey, can you knit a sweater for Dot? He's going to get cold now that he doesn't have his fur

**Starbucks:** Of course

**Alien Queen:** I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but the group is called Kill Cartman and I'm in

**Alien Queen:** What's the plan?

**Cregg:** The plan is to make him suffer

**Cregg:** A lot.

**Group dad:** I hope you know is Eric Cartman who we are talking about

**Group dad:** He probably knows that we are planning on counter him in some way

**Cregg:** I don't give a fuck

**Cregg:** You're helping us or no?

**Group dad:** I mean, I do hate Cartman so why not

**Malefica:** If you guys are okay with it, I can sneak on his room when he's asleep and dye his hair pink

**Crybaby:** Hide all his hats! That way he will have to show his hair

**Cregg:** That's a good idea

**Starbucks:** I have laxatives that my grandma left last time she visited

**Starbucks:** We can do something with them

**Cregg:** Bebe, you're friends with his girlfriend. Do you think you can do it?

**Malefica:** Count on me

**Group mom:** I can buy him a big sandwich from Subway. He can't say not to that

**Group dad:** If Wendy hand it to him he's not going to suspect anything

**Goldilocks:** Bebe, my mom has makeup that she doesn't use. Want to give it a try?

**Malefica:** Hell yeah

**Crybaby:** I want to help :(

**Cregg:** You already helped, dw

**Crybaby:** okay :D

**Cregg:** Okay guys, we first do the sandwich thing and then his hair. You ok with this plan?

**Group dad:** aye

**Starbucks:** Is a good plan. Btw, I'm on my way with the sweater to Dot

**Cregg:** The front door is open

**Malefica:** gay

**Cregg:** hella gay

 

**Malefica:** ABORT. ABORT.

**Crybaby:** What happened?!

**Malefica:** WENDY IS WITH CARTMAN. SHE DIDN'T ACCEPT THE SANDWICH

**Crybaby:** fuck

**Malefica:** Now Cartman knows we're seeking for revenge

**Group mom:** well, she's his pregnant girlfriend after all, I would be surprised if she wasn't working with him

**Group dad:** but

**Group dad:** He doesn't know who is with us

**Malefica:** What are you trying to say

**Group dad:** We need someone to change sides

**Group dad:** Annie, Red, it has to be one of you

**Alien Queen:** why us

**Group dad:** WELL

**Group dad:** Red, you don't like Craig, right?

**Alien Queen:** nope

**Group dad:** There you go

**Alien Queen:** I refuse

**Group dad:** You can't

**Alien Queen:** ... Annie?

**Goldilocks:** I mean, he did shaved an innocent guinea pig

**Goldilocks:** I want him to suffer

**Alien Queen:** god I love you

**Group dad:** Then is all settled

**Alien Queen:** pay us first

**Malefica:** a dozen of Tweek's cupcakes

**Alien Queen:** deal

 

**Cregg:** Bebe, thank you for this blessing

**Cregg:** I don't know how to pay you

**Malefica:** I want a new pair of shoes

**Cregg:** why did I talked

**Group mom:** I've never seen Clyde laughing so hard in my life

**Crybaby:** I'm still dying

**Crybaby:** CARTMAN LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS WITH HIS HAIR PINK

**Crybaby:** I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED THIS UNTIL IT HAPPENED

**Group dad:** honestly, same

**Starbucks:** Just wait for my next move

**Cregg:** oh?

**Starbucks:** He put a cricket on my backpack. He shaved one of my children.

**Starbucks:** I'm fighting back

**Alien Queen:** guys, that was awesome but we have a problem

**Cregg:** what is it?

**Alien Queen:** Cartman doesn't trust us so he wants to prove our loyalty

**Cregg:** ffs now what

**Alien Queen:** he wants us to throw cow shit at Tweek

**Starbucks:** WHY ME?!

**Cregg:** alright

**Cregg:** that does it

**Cregg:** that fat motherfucker wants a fight? He will have a fight

**Starbucks:** craig no

**Cregg:** no.

**Cregg:** every fucking time he starts one of this stupid wars he always picks on you and I'm sick of it

**Cregg:** I'm going to kick his fat ass

**Starbucks:** but Craig!

**Cregg:** no.

**Group mom:** have to be honest, I'm with Craig on this

**Crybaby:** me too

**Malefica:** me three

**Group dad:** Tweek, sweetie, it took long enough for Craig to react like this

**Starbucks:** but I don't want him to fight. He will get expelled!

**Group dad:** You think he doesn't know that?

**Group dad:** Because he does. And he doesn't care

**Malefica:** And Cartman deserves to get his ass kicked tbh

**Starbucks:** This isn't going to end well...

 

**Crybaby:** guys

**Crybaby:** my hair is green

**Malefica:** alright I'm joining Craig now

**Group mom:** I will miss you guys 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize again for the long wait. I don't know what's happening with my inspiration.  
> Anyways, two parter, yey.


	12. Rainbow wars - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crybaby: Mental note to never make Tweek angry
> 
> Group mom: mental note taken
> 
> Testicle: ...
> 
> Testicle: oh no

_**Buddha** added 7 persons to **protect your king**_.

 

_**BROflovski** changed **protect your king** to **Let Cartman die.**_

 

 **Buddha:** bitch

 **BROflovski:** you asked for this one, don't expect us to come and protect your fat ass

 **Buddha:** that's okay

 **Buddha:** I can always make it seem like all of you helped me and then they will be after you

 **BROflovski:** If you actually expect that to work I would've underestimate how stupid you are

 **Buddha:** listen here you bitch

 **Henrietta:** I'm not getting involved in this shit.

 

_**Henrietta** left the group. _

 

 **Mars:** why did you even bothered in adding her

 **BROflovski:** he's stupid, I already told you

 **Testicle:** Eric

 **Testicle:** If you want this to work stop picking up on Tweek

 **Testicle:** Is going to end very bad

 **Buddha:** I don't pick on Tweek

 **Testicle:** Yes you do

 **BROflovski:** Yes you do

 **Mars:** yes you do

 **Nicos:** yes you do

 **Buddha:** assholes

 **Testicle:** I was just warning you. Is your problem if you don't want to listen to me.

 

 **Nicos:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 **Nicos:** PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE

 

_**Carlos** send **hespink.jpg**_

 

 **Nicos:** FUCK HAHAHA

 **Buddha:** hey!

 **Testicle:** I told you, didn't I?

 **Buddha:** THIS WASN'T NECESSARY

 **Testicle:** Neither was starting this war but you just can't help yourself

 **Not Mexican** : who do I have to thank for this blessing

 **Buddha:** ...

 

_**Buddha** kicked **Not Mexican** out of the group. _

 

 **BROflovski:** Hey!

 **BROflovski:** oh nvm he's laughing

 **Buddha:** I'm not letting them enjoy this

 **Testicle:** If you end dead I would be surprised it took this long

 **Buddha:** are you with me or no?

 **Testicle:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Mars:** lmao

 **Mars:** If even your girlfriend is turning her back on you then you're way too fucked

 **Buddha:** Fine! I don't fucking need you anyway

 **Mars:** Yes you do

 **BROflovski:** yes you do

 **Carlos:** I can't get involved or my parents will ground me

 **Nicos:** That's okay babe

 **Nicos:** You don't have to help the fatass anyway

 **Nicos:** I mean... Is Cartman

 **BROflovski:** It truly surprises me he still thinks we're helping him

 **Mars:** He's stupid

 **BROflovski:** very stupid

 **Buddha:** I'm still here assholes

 **Mars:** We don't care

 **Buddha:** ...

 

_**Buddha** kicked everyone from the group. _

 

_Meanwhile, in **Gay and shiny.**  _

 

 **Malefica:** No guys, I'm telling you, you're going to fuck Clyde's hair even more if you dye it over the green

 **Crybaby:** well, I don't want to have fucking green hair! I'm not Jackscepticeye!

 **Group dad:** Maybe you can decolorate it?

 **Crybaby:** Doesn't that fucks my hair too?

 **Testicle:** Honestly, everything is going to fuck your hair, Clyde

 **Crybaby:** i hate my life

 **Mars:** Can relate

 **Alien Queen** : What if we cut it and give you a nice haircut? That way it doesn't look so ugly

 **Crybaby:** Don't give me Justin Bieber's hair

 **Alien Queen** : ew no. What is this? 2012?

 **Malefica:** My mom can help us pick a nice haircut for you, Clyde. Why don't you come to my house later?

 **Crybaby:** 'k

 **Mars:** I have to ask. Who had the idea to hide Cartman's hats?

 **Malefica:** Clyde

 **Mars:** Clyde, you don't know how thankful I am

 **BROflovski:** I take the honor of speaking for all of us when I'm saying we all are thankful for it

 **BROflovksi:** You gave all the school an invaluable present and it isn't even Christmas

 **Testicle:** ...

 **Testicle:** huh 

 **Mars:** Wendy? 

 **Mars:** C'mon, it doesn't matter that you're his girlfriend, you always make fun of him

 **Testicle:** Is not that

 **Testicle:** Has anyone seen Tweek or Craig today?

 **Mars:** ...

 **Henrietta:** rip

 **BROflovski:** rip

 **Malefica:** rip

 **Testicle:** ffs

 **Testicle:** I'm not fucking raising this child alone

 **Testicle:** brb

 **Group mom** : Bebe help

 **Malefica:** what?

 **Group mom** : Nichole wants to cut my hair

 **Malefica:** omw

 

 **Cregg:** what the fuck

 **Cregg:** what the actual fuck

 **Cregg:** i hate this town

 **Cregg:** i hate you all

 **Cregg:** please die

 **Crybaby:** what happened?

 **Cregg:** Wendy came to my house and dyed my hair blue

 **Cregg:** electric blue

 **Cregg:** wtf

 **Cregg:** I was just sleeping with Stripe on top of me

 **Cregg:** And when I woke up this bitch was in front of me taking photos

 **Cregg:** wtf

 **Malefica:** HAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Malefica:** I mean

 **Malefica:** Do you want go pay her back?

 **Cregg:** I'm not hurting a pregnant girl. Who am I? Cartman?

 **Malefica:** fair point

 **Cregg:** petition to end this stupid war

 **Malefica:** @Buddha fatass this went too far just end it

 **Buddha:** I didn't told her to dye his fucking hair, did I?

 **Buddha:** anyways, yeah, let's end this. Is getting boring now that Tweek is nowhere to be seen

 **Cregg:** bitch

 **Malefica:** Where's Tweek, Craig?

 **Cregg:** You'll see

 **Malefica:** oh boy

 

 **Buddha:** WTF TWEEK

 **Starbucks:** Revenge is a bitch, isn't it?

 **Goldilocks:** oh god now what

 **Henrietta:** I hope you burned all of his clothes.

 **Starbucks:** I did something better.

 **Buddha:** WHY IS EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM PINK TWEEK.

 **Starbucks:** Now it suits your hair!

 **Buddha:** AND WHERE IS MY XBOX

 **Starbucks:** I gave it to Kyle

 **Buddha:** WTF WHY

 **Starbucks:** Don't fucking touch my children again. :)

 **Crybaby:** Mental note to never make Tweek angry

 **Group mom:** mental note taken

 **Testicle:** ...

 **Testicle:** oh no

 **Starbucks:** oh dw Wendy I'm not doing anything to you

 **Testicle:** You aren't?

 **Starbucks:** Nah, I don't hate you

 **Starbucks:** Besides, Craig looks amazing with blue hair

 **Testicle:** oh

 **Testicle:** Glad to hear that!

 

 **Cregg:** Biggest betrayal in my whole life 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's starting to be a habit.  
> I'm sorry for the long wait again. 
> 
> I'm also pissed because South Africa won Miss Universe. Bye.


	13. Christmas got wild pretty quick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cregg: ...
> 
> Buddha: ???
> 
> Malefica: Henrietta likes parties????
> 
> Henrietta: surprise bitches.

**Cregg:** Can you tell me why the fuck people decorate their houses on fucking November

 **Henrietta:** It should be illegal to decorate your house before December.

 **Cregg:** IKR?

 **Cregg:** LET THE FUCKING MONTH FINISH FOR FUCK SAKE

 **Buddha:** Calm down Grinch

 **Cregg:** fuck off fatass

 **Mars:** I hate Christmas parties

 **Mars:** And reunions

 **Mars:** ...

 **Mars:** I hate Christmas

 **Buddha:** We're no longer friends

 **Mars:** we never been

 **Buddha:** fuck you

 **Malefica:** Why do you hate Christmas? It's the best festivity of the year!

 **Mars:** You're wrong, that's Halloween

 **Cregg:** You're both wrong, that's the World Space Week

 **Mars:** shut up nerd

 **Cregg:** fucking make me

 **Henrietta:** All of you are wrong.

 **Henrietta:** The best festivity is obviously Easter.

 **Henrietta:** Because we have Spring Break.

 **Cregg:** ...

 **Buddha:** ???

 **Malefica:** Henrietta likes parties????

 **Henrietta:** surprise bitches.

 **Mars:** She goes to every party Token, Bebe and Clyde throw???

 **Malefica:** I always thought she went to those parties for you!

 **Mars:** Is actually the other way around

 **Mars:** I hate crowded places so, yeah

 **Mars:** parties aren't my thing

 **Malefica:** I feel so confused right now

 **Cregg:** I feel like my life is a lie

 **Buddha:** you're a pussy Stan

 **Mars:** shut up Cartman

 **Malefica:** why do you hate crowded places, Stan?

 **Mars:** well

 **Mars:** with all the noise, the people and that my anxiety kind of kicks me on the guts and I have big chances of having a meltdown, soooo

 **Malefica:** you have anxiety?

 **Mars:** depression, actually, but anxiety is a common thing in depressed people

 **Malefica:** oh my god, Stan

 **Mars:** is not that bad, don't worry about it

 **Malefica:** is not that bad???

 **Mars:** I'm in therapy

 **Malefica:** oh

 **Mars:** yeah

 **Cregg:** thanks for turning emo the chat

 **Mars:** fuck you Craig

 

 **Nicos:** can we all appreciate the fact that Craig entered talking about people decorating their houses on November and they ended talking about Stan's depression?

 **Nicos:** you guys change so easily of subject that is actually concerning

 **Testicle:** Is a common thing at this point tbh

 **Nicos:** that's true

 **Starbucks:** I also hate Christmas

 **Malefica:** Is this a fucking Christmas Carol or what?

 **Malefica:** I hate you and Stan

 **Starbucks:** k'

 **Testicle:** Why do you hate Christmas, Tweek?

 **Starbucks:** My parents force me to work on the shop and Christmas is always one of the busy seasons

 **Testicle:** wait a minute, force you?

 **Starbucks:** :^)

 **Cregg:** Tweek's parents are shit

 **Testicle:** I mean, true

 **Malefica:** You can't expect much from the parents who gave meth to his own child

 **Cregg:** I want to denounce his parents but, unlike them, I actually worry about Tweek's wellbeing

 **Cregg:** So, when he turns 18, we're going to pay Cartman to kill them

 **Testicle:** WHAT.

 **Cregg:** okay, fine, we're going to denounce them

 **Cregg:** jeez

 **Starbucks:** I can't refuse to work sooooo

 **Cregg:** nvm I'm going to denounce them now.

 **Starbucks:** craig please no

 **Cregg:** @Malefica tell your mom if she wants to adopt Tweek

 **Malefica:** I already want to adopt him, consider it done

 **Cregg:** k'

 **Starbucks:** WHAT

 **Cregg:** pack clothes babe, we're going to Denver

 **Starbucks:** EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

 **Cregg:** You don't want to do it?

 **Cregg:** Is your choice, babe

 **Malefica:** I scream internally every time Craig calls Tweek 'babe'

 **Testicle:** same

 **Cregg:** shut up

 **Starbucks:** ...

 **Cregg:** Tweek?

 **Starbucks:** open your window in fifteen minutes

 **Malefica:** oh boi

 

 **Crybaby:** IT'S CHRISTMAS TIMEEEEE

 **Mars:** It's December 1st

 **Crybaby:** CHRISTMAS TIME MOTHERFUCKERS

 **Malefica:** CHRISTMAS TIME

 **Buddha:** CHRISTMAS TIME

 **Group mom** : You're like children

 **Buddha:** whatever mom

 **Group mom:** ...

 **Group mom:** god

 **Malefica:** for Christmas I want Butters and Tweek's parents to die

 **Nicos:** same

 **Buddha:** for Christmas I want 10.000 thousands dollars

 **Malefica:** why do you always ask for money?

 **Buddha:** why no?

 **Malefica:** tru

 **BROflovski:** ...

 **Buddha:** oh, look, the kid that doesn't celebrate Christmas

 **BROflovski:** i hate you, Cartman

 **Buddha:** hey, I haven't done anything yet

 **BROflovski:** did you posted those pictures of me and David kissing or no?

 **Buddha:** oh yeah that

 **Malefica:** WHERE

 **Buddha:** in my own defense, it was Wendy's idea

 **Testicle:** exposed

 **Buddha:** I'm going to expose something else ;)

 **BROflovski:** DUDE GROSS

 **Malefica:** please don't do that in the group chat thank you

 **Buddha:** make me

 **Mars:** ...

 

_**Mars** kicked **Buddha** out of the group._

 

 **Mars:** why nobody did that before?

 **BROflovski:** ... Oh

 **Testicle:** thank you cockblocker

 **Mars:** ew

 **BROflovski:** he got mad?

 **Testicle:** is Cartman, what do you think?

 **BROflovski:** lmao

 **Testicle:** don't fucking lmao me

 **Testicle:** I can't drink, I can't get high, I can't use a jacuzzi and now I can't fuck because Stan decided to be an asshole

 **Mars:** ...

 **Mars:** I'm sorry?

 **Testicle:** fuck you

 

 **Alien Queen:** did Wendy got mad because Stan cockblocked her?

 **Malefica:** she sure did

 **Henrietta:** Wendy is being a hormonal bitch.

 **Malefica:** She's pregnant, what do you expect?

 **Henrietta:** well, that's true.

 **Carlos:** oh

 **Carlos:** oh boy

 **Malefica:** Butters?

 **Carlos:** Kenny denounced my parents

 **Malefica:** what

 **Malefica:** WHAT

 **Malefica:** I'm on my way. Are you okay?

 **Carlos:** I think?

 **Carlos:** oh jesus dad is screaming at Kenny

 **Malefica:** hold on sweetie

 **Alien Queen** : well, what a great way to start Christmas

 **Henrietta:** tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This short chapter has a justification  
> Next chapter is going to be a wild roller-coaster


	14. Post pot problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swiss Alps: shut up
> 
> Buddha: make me
> 
> Testicle: :)
> 
> Buddha: oh come on yOU FUCKING KNOW I DIDN'T MEANT IT LIKE THAT

**Cregg:** I'm glad I brought my laptop

 **Malefica:** why

 **Cregg:** Tweek was having a panic attack

 **Cregg:** And he relaxes when I play dating sims

 **Cregg:** He's now asleep on my shoulder and I want to cry

 **Cregg:** leaving my gay drama aside

 **Cregg:** How's everything there?

 **Malefica:** Well

 **Malefica:** Butters' parents aren't allowed to approach him anymore

 **Malefica:** He's going to Child Services but my mom is already doing the impossible to adopt him

 **Malefica:** When Child Services took him Kenny begged to go with Butters. They didn't let him go, and now he's smoking weed with Clyde because he's pissed but doesn't want to drink and do something he might regret

 **Cregg:** wow

 **Cregg:** things really went downhill huh

 **Malefica:** I feel so bad for Butters. He isn't answering any of my calls or messages. I'm worried.

 **Cregg:** You don't have to, tho

 **Cregg:** He's far away from his parents now. They aren't going to hurt him anymore and he can live a good life now. Especially if your mom adopts him

 **Cregg:** gtg we arrived to Denver

 **Malefica:** good luck

 

 **Testicle:** I was near Tweak Bros and the Denver police were taking Tweek's parents what

 **Mars:** Craig denounced them

 **Testicle:** oh thank god

 **Testicle:** It would have been me if he didn't

 **Group dad:** same

 **Alien Queen:** same

 **Goldilocks:** same

 **Henrietta:** Same.

 **Testicle:** what

 **Henrietta:** As much as I enjoy suffering, the life Tweek was having wasn't a life I would wish anyone to have. I'm glad that's going to end.

 **Testicle:** ... You have a heart?

 **Henrietta:** Listen here bitch.

 **Buddha:** We're going to Clyde's house and get high to forget all the drama that's happening. If any of you losers wants to come bring your own pipe.

 **Testicle:** You're going to get high?

 **Buddha:** ... Yes?

 **Testicle:** Even when you know I can't get high?

 **Buddha:** Wendy don't do this

 **Testicle:** No, you don't do this. We planned to watch movies tonight, remember?

 **Buddha:** ugh

 **Henrietta:** Wow, such drama queens.

 

 **Crybaby:** where's Cartman

 **Malefica:** He's with Wendy. I'm being third wheel.

 **Crybaby:** !!!

 **Crybaby:** You can come too. Nichole, Red, Annie and Henrietta are here too.

 **Malefica:** Oh thank god

 

 **Cregg:** Steps to convince the officers that your boyfriend is going to be alright living with you: Beg. Fucking beg.

 **Group mom:** He's going to live with you?

 **Cregg:** Yes. Tweek feels safer if he is with me. He said he wasn't going to accept living with strangers that could easily murder him

 **Cregg:** My dad had to come and sign the papers

 **Crybaby:** ...

 **Crybaby:** Is he your step brother or something now? 

 **Cregg:** fuck no. He's emancipated now.

 **Cregg:** But he's still worrying about Butters. Any news?

 **Group mom:** Nobody knows anything. We're getting high at Clyde's and Kenny is a fucking mess

 **Cregg:** We're going. Tweek needs to calm down

 **Crybaby:** I have to ask. Why Tweek isn't answering any of our calls?

 **Cregg:** His phone died because he didn't charged it before we left

 **Crybaby:** oh

 **Cregg:** yes

 

 **Group dad:** ffs

 **Group dad:** Wendy you lucky bitch

 **Testicle:** What am I missing?

 **Group dad:** Token, Kenny and Tweek are singing All Star

 **Group dad:** Kenny is crying while singing wtf

 **Malefica:** This is fucking hilarious

 **Testicle:** Record it. Eric wants to have blackmail material.

 **Malefica:** OH FUCK CLYDE JOINED THEM

 **Malefica:** GTG

 **Testicle:** what

 **Group dad:** There's a weird aura around them

 **Testicle:** Sexual tension?

 **Group dad:** Obviously.

 **Testicle:** Took them long enough

 **Group dad:** tbh

 **Goldilocks:** lmao who invited Heidi

 **Testicle:** Heidi's there?

 **Goldilocks:** yes

 **Goldilocks:** SHE HAS POT BROWNIES BYE

 **Testicle:** how

 **Group dad:** I have no idea

 

 **Crybaby:** YOOOOOO

 **Crybaby:** MY BRO GOT LAID

 **Crybaby:** on my bed, which is gross af, BUT HE GOT LAID

 **Testicle:** did you walked on them

 **Crybaby:** yes

 **Crybaby:** Tweek offered me to join and Craig flipped me off

 **Testicle:** tweek what

 **Crybaby:** idk

 **Crybaby:** Token bought raspberry vodka bye

 **Testicle:** ew

 

_**BROflovski** added **Swiss Alps** to **Gay and shiny.**_

 

 **Buddha:** wtf

 **Buddha:** why is your name Swiss Alps

 **Swiss Alps:** Do you care?

 **Buddha:** hoe

 **Crybaby:** HEIDI MY GIRL

 **Swiss Alps:** you're still high, aren't you

 **Crybaby:** You bet

 **Malefica:** I didn't knew you made pot brownies

 **Swiss Alps:** Dad let me make them as long as I give him some

 **Malefica:** shook

 **Swiss Alps:** ikr

 **Starbucks:** WTF CLYDE I DIDN'T ASKED YOU TO JOIN US

 **Crybaby:** aw, don't be shy!

 **Cregg:** Clyde I swear

 **Crybaby:** you're boring

 **Crybaby:** Everyone dies to have sex with me

 **Cregg:** this is the exact reason why we're never doing a threesome with you

 **Swiss Alps:** Threesomes are troublesome

 **Cregg:** what

 **Swiss Alps:** what

 **Buddha:** wtf

 **Malefica:** Heidi...

 **Malefica:** Is there something you aren't telling us?

 **Swiss Alps:** Me? Pft no, how could I

 **Henrietta:** She's sleeping with Kyle and David.

 **Swiss Alps:** I'M NOT

 **Henrietta:** Oh aren't you?

 **Henrietta:** @BROflovski your hoe is denying you.

 **BROflovski:** what

 **Starbucks:** I'm so confused

 **Cregg:** same

 **Crybaby:** same

 **Buddha:** why this hoe gets laid by two different persons wtf

 **Testicle:** And you're jealous of that because...?

 **Buddha:** oh ffs

 

 **Not Mexican:** did Henrietta just implied that Heidi is in a polygamous relationship with me and Kyle

 **Mars:** she sure did

 **Mars:** and don't say "implied", we fucking walked on u

 **Not Mexican:** i thought we were friends

 **Mars:** we were?

 **Malefica:** @Swiss Alps EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGH NOW

 **Swiss Alps:** ...

 

_**Swiss Alps** left the group. _

 

_**Malefica** added **Swiss Alps** to **Gay and shiny.**_

 

 **Malefica:** oh no you don't

 **Swiss Alps:** :(

 **Buddha:** lmao

 **Swiss Alps:** shut up

 **Buddha:** make me

 **Testicle:** :)

 **Buddha:** oh come on yOU FUCKING KNOW I DIDN'T MEANT IT LIKE THAT

 **Cregg:** whip.mp3

 **Buddha:** shut up

 **Carlos:** hey guys

 **Cregg:** hold on

 **Cregg:** @Nicos

 **Nicos:** LEO

 **Cregg:** leo

 **Nicos:** where are you???? You weren't picking my calls

 **Carlos:** I'm in a foster house for now. I can go to South Park anytime but, uh...

 **Carlos:** I can go to your house, right?

 **Nicos:** of course you can

 **Nicos:** I'll be waiting for you

 **Malefica:** can I cry now?

 **Cregg:** go ahead

 **Malefica:** thank u 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry for this long wait  
> I'm a failure at being consistent 
> 
> If you guys want to talk with me at any moment send me a message at my Tumblr! You can find me as sherr-vc


	15. Christmas miracles turned into mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cregg: glad of being helpful on your path of transformation and embracing of the gay culture
> 
> Mars: dude, no
> 
> Cregg: wasn't talking to you
> 
> Mars: oh
> 
> Mars: lmao

Group dad: I hate Christmas shopping

Malefica: God, me too

Malefica: this is like the only part of Christmas that I hate

Group dad: I'm in the middle of the store looking for something to give to Token and I'm like

Group dad: _what the fuck do I give him he already has everything here_

Group dad: That's the only turn down of dating him because it happens every damn Christmas

Group dad: And his birthdays

Testicle: I gave up on giving something to Eric two years ago

Malefica: why?

Testicle: Because he always outdoes me with the gifts and I hate him for that so

Testicle: He has to be happy with the dinner I make him

Malefica: who could have guessed that Cartman is actually a caring boyfriend

Testicle: When you actually stop his shit and don't let yourself get manipulated, he's a decent person

Swiss Alps: Okay, that was a very direct indirect.

Testicle: Who says it was an indirect?

Malefica: I wonder what Henrietta gets Stan for Christmas

Testicle: Let's ask her

Testicle: @Henrietta

Henrietta: what

Malefica: What do you get for Stan for Christmas?

Henrietta: Nothing.

Malefica: what

Henrietta: I don't celebrate Christmas, I'm part of a Cthulhu cult. Duh.

Testicle: But... You don't get anything for him? He's your boyfriend

Henrietta: We agreed I wasn't going to change just to fill in the conformist stereotype of the kind and caring girlfriend that always gives wrapped gifts.

Henrietta: I gave him gifts on his birthdays and only that.

Henrietta: Now that your question is answered, can I fucking go? We have a date.

Testicle: uh... Sure?

Malefica: I don't understand how their relationship works

Group dad: Neither do I

Group dad: GOTTA GO I SAW SOMRTJINHBGOR TOKEN BYE

Testicle: rip

Malefica: rip

Malefica: wait

Malefica: Heidi

Swiss Alps: wut

Malefica: Christmas must sucks for you. You have to get two presents!

Swiss Alps: Actually

Swiss Alps: 15

Malefica: what

Swiss Alps: yeah, well

Swiss Alps: David's family are a bunch of homophobic bitches that would die if they knew he has a boyfriend, so

Swiss Alps: I'm going to the Christmas dinner as David's girlfriend. And I hate it.

Swiss Alps: Kyle doesn't celebrate Christmas, but he's our boyfriend too :^(

Malefica: Can you explain the part about having to get 15 presents again?

Swiss Alps: oh right

Swiss Alps: they're latinos. There's no more explanation

Malefica: point taken

 

Testicle: I JUST NOTICED I CAN'T DRINK ON THE CHRISTMAS DINNER

Testicle: I DON'T WANT TO BE SOBER IN A FUCKING DINNER WHERE ALL MY RELATIVES ARE GOING TO INSULT ME FOR BEING PREGNANT AGH

Malefica: Can't you go to Cartman's place and be there until they go

Testicle: Eric is going to visit his family and they don't like me

Malefica: I mean

Malefica: You can always came to my house

Malefica: Butters, Kenny and Karen are coming too

Testicle: You won me with Karen

Malefica: I knew you were going to say yes

Testicle: I'm going for Karen

Malefica: I'm hurt

Testicle: and for you, obviously

Testicle: my best friend in the world

Malefica: the damage is done

Testicle: fuck you then

Goldilocks: quality friendship

Testicle: I've known Bebe since preschool. We obviously have a quality friendship

Testicle: Even though we have tried to kill each other multiple times. Literally.

Malefica: oh, the good old times

Malefica: I almost killed you for shoes

Testicle: Ain't you a bitch?

Malefica: of course I'm a bitch sweetheart

Group mom: I don't understand girls

Cregg: same

Cregg: glad I'm gay

Group mom: you lucky bastard

Cregg: yyyyep

Mars: glad I'm dating Henrietta

Cregg: that's not how it works

Mars: it works for me, fuck u

Cregg: no, fuck you

Group mom: _sigh_

 

Carlos: I hope y'all are ready for a big Christmas miracle

Nicos: why Jesus showed up at Bebe's house

Carlos: that's the Christmas miracle

Carlos: just wait

Nicos: what

Malefica: OH MY FUCKING GOD

Malefica: I OFFICIALLY HAVE A BROTHER NOW

Carlos: Christmas miracle!

Nicos: what

Malefica: JESUS SHOWED UP AND SAID HE THREATENED CHILD SERVICES TO MAKE THEM OFFICIAL THE ADOPTION

Malefica: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ENGLISH RIGHT NOW ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M BUTTERS SISTER NOW AND I'M CRYING

Nicos: she is

Nicos: babe what did you do

Carlos: :^)

Nicos: ...

Nicos: oh

 

BROflovski: Wait, what did Butters did to get Jesus's help?

Carlos: Secret of state

BROflovski: Why am I fearing

Mars: You must fear

Mars: Embrace the fear

BROflovski: Stan stfu

Mars: :(

Mars: we're not longer sbf

Buddha: Stan that's gay

Mars: what

Mars: How can it be gay?

Buddha: @Cregg how do you say super best friend?

Cregg: sbf, why

Buddha: See?

Mars: oh fuck you

Cregg: wtf

BROflovski: he used you to clarify a point

Mars: a gay point

Cregg: oh

Cregg: glad of being helpful on your path of transformation and embracing of the gay culture

Mars: dude, no

Cregg: wasn't talking to you

Mars: oh

Mars: lmao

Buddha: I'M NOT TURNING GAY.

Cregg: they always say that at the beginning

Cregg: call me when you accept you're at least bi

Buddha: fuck you Craig

Cregg: I have a blonde boyfriend who I love so much to do that job, but thank you

Buddha: wait

Buddha: you were bottom?

Cregg: Tweek was afraid I was going to hurt him, so I offered to be bottom so he could see it wasn't as painful as he thought

Buddha: that was some useless information right there, but

Buddha: @Testicle PAY

Cregg: ffs

Testicle: Oh for fucks sake

Mars: why am I not surprised

Testicle: ...

Testicle: he already admits to be bi, Craig

Buddha: WENDY

Cregg: oh my, oh my. What do we have here? It seems you're starting to embrace the gayness inside of you.

Buddha: I hate you all so fucking much

Cregg: lmao

 

Swiss Alps: k i l l m e

Alien Queen: what

Swiss Alps: I'm being the spotlight of a conversation in Spanish that I don't understand

Swiss Alps: But I've heard the word nietos at least four times now

Swiss Alps: what does that means I'm afraid

Testicle: It means grandchildren

Swiss Alps: ...

Swiss Alps: nope. nope. nope.

Swiss Alps: I'm out

Testicle: lmao

Alien Queen: they're latinos, what were you expecting?

Swiss Alps: OH, I DON'T KNOW

Swiss Alps: MAYBE THAT THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT ME GIVING THEM GRANDCHILDREN WHEN I'M 16, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

Testicle: My grandpa is happy that I'm giving him a grandchild

Testicle: Grandma almost had a seizure

Alien Queen: Remind me to kick your grandma

Testicle: what

Alien Queen: Wendy, sweetie

Alien Queen: That child is our child whether you like it or not

Alien Queen: So sucks for her, I'm kicking her ass

Testicle: please don't kick my grandma

Alien Queen: FINE.

Swiss Alps: hhhhhhhhhhhhh

Swiss Alps: THEY'RE PLAYING MEXICAN MUSIC

Testicle: Sucks for you

Swiss Alps: oh fuck you

 

Crybaby: OOOOOOH

Crybaby: GUESS WHO'S NOT SINGLE ANYMORE

Cregg: Tricia?

Crybaby: what? No

Crybaby: wait, really?

Cregg: idk

Cregg: I hope not, Jesus

Crybaby: ... Yeah me neither

Crybaby: As I was saying

Crybaby: I just asked Bebe out and she said yes!

Cregg: took ya long enoug

Crybaby: HEY WE DIDN'T HAD ASIANS DRAWING LEWD THINGS OF US FUCK OFF

Cregg: I'm actually surprised Bebe said yes

Crybaby: why are you my best friend again

Cregg: who said I was

Crybaby:  :(

Starbucks: lmao

Malefica: I should be mad but I'm not, this is funny af

Crybaby: so betrayed right now

Cregg: you should have seen this coming

Crybaby: I did but apparently I'm an idiot

Cregg: u r

Starbucks: a big one

Crybaby: I fucking hate you guys 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays or whatever  
> I got too lazy and that's why this chapter doesn't have bold text. I'm sorry. I'll change that tomorrow when I'm not so drunk with self hate.


	16. Not a goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starbucks: wh
> 
> Group dad: Tweek.exe stopped working
> 
> Malefica: you're a goddamn dork
> 
> Cregg: thank you, I try

**Malefica:** @Group dad @Alien Queen @Goldilocks okay, which one of you bitches had her period because you fucking sentenced me

 **Group dad** : me

 **Malefica:** gj Nichole, you just sentenced all of us

 **Group dad:** fuck you Bebe, it was you last month

 **Malefica:** I apologized for it!

 **Group dad** : no you didn't!

 **Carlos:** I'm scared

 **Goldilocks:** Don't worry Butters, it's going to be okay!

 **Carlos:** Bebe is yelling at Nichole through the phone

 **Carlos:** While messaging her

 **Goldilocks:** get out of there asap

 **Carlos:** oh jeez 

 **Cregg:** girls are so scary

 **Carlos:** Thank God I'm not totally straight

 **Cregg:** same

 **Cregg:** wait, "totally straight"?

 **Carlos:** I used to have a girlfriend?

 **Cregg:** so did I but I was 9 and stupid

 **Malefica:** You're still stupid

 **Cregg:** okay, fuck you Bebe

 **Starbucks:** have to agree with her, you're still stupid

 **Cregg:** I'm wounded and sad

 **Cregg:** but still totally fucking gay

 **Starbucks:** we all know you're gay, Craig

 **Starbucks:** you've dated me for six years

 **Cregg:** let's make those six years 56

 **Starbucks:** wh

 **Group dad:** Tweek.exe stopped working

 **Malefica:** you're a goddamn dork

 **Cregg:** thank you, I try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the last chapter of this I'm going to post in a while
> 
> My inspiration is being a bitch lately, and I'm getting sucked by Overwatch, so my musa in South Park is slowly dying  
> This is not a good bye.  
> I'll bring you all a new chapter somewhere in the future. Hopefully this year.
> 
> Thank you for reading my stupid bullshit.


	17. Foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alien Queen: guys pls help me study for the math test
> 
> Cregg: don't expect me to help
> 
> Mars: same
> 
> Alien Queen: i was talking to the smart ones, thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine there was not hiatus. They continued with their lives without us knowing.  
> This is a continuation of this chat fic, seven months later.
> 
> Enjoy  
> And hello once again

**Malefica:** crying on the club rn

**Crybaby:** what happened?

**Malefica:** Allison kicked when I touched Wendy's womb and I literally squeaked

**Testicle:** She did

**Testicle:** For a moment it reminded me of the first time Eric felt her kicking. He cried

**Buddha:** not even gonna deny it, it was a magical moment

**Malefica:** I can't believe it was the first time I felt her kick

**Malefica:** your due date is in two weeks!

**Testicle:** She's shy, what can I say

**Malefica:** I'm her aunt, she shouldn't be shy with me!

**Testicle:** Guess she doesn't know that

**Cregg:** wait, you haven't felt her kick until now?

**Malefica:** no! and that upsets me!

**Cregg:** guess I shouldn't say I felt her kick a month ago

**Crybaby:** same

**Buddha:** Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Karen felt her the same day I did bc they were there

**Mars:** Henrietta and Butters did a week later!

**Crybaby:** and you were there for Nichole and Token talking about it, babe

**Malefica:** I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T FELT HER KICK UNTIL NOW?!

**Mars:** Heidi and David haven't either

**Testicle:** Heidi isn't coming anywhere near my baby

**Buddha:** lmao

**Malefica:** I feel so betrayed

**Malefica:** I'm hangry now

**Crybaby:** wanna go for taco bell?

**Malefica:** didn't you just read me saying I'm hangry?!

**Crybaby:** then... Dunkin Donuts?

**Malefica:** YES

**Mars:** ... Is she on her days?

**Testicle:** yep

**Mars:** makes sense

 

**Henrietta:** Hey bitches, remember when you were fighting over who was Karen's favorite?

 

_**Henrietta** sent **itsmehoes.jpg**_

 

**Henrietta:** I'm the favorite one.

**Malefica:** Life is unfair and I want to drown myself in an ocean of despair

**Henrietta:** That's deep.

**Henrietta:** I like it.

**Goldilocks:** who made her sad? she's been moping all day!

**Mars:** she's sad because she was the last one to feel Allison kick

**Goldilocks:** Oh my god, I would be sad too!

**Malefica:** YOU ALREADY FELT HER?!

**Malefica:** FUCK ME THEN!

**Crybaby:** I mean, if you want to...

**Malefica:** READ THE MOOD, CLYDE!

**Goldilocks:** Clyde wtf

**Crybaby:** I'm a troubled person

**Henrietta:** Understatement of the year.

**Crybaby:** fuck off

**Henrietta:** You're not the master of me.

**Crybaby:** lucky me then

**Nicos:** you've been fighting over this all the day?

**Malefica:** IT'S AN IMPORTANT TOPIC, OKAY?!

**Nicos:** i mean, isn't more special to be the last one?

**Malefica:** what?

**Nicos:** due dates are bullshit because it's rare the occasion when a woman gives birth on her designed due date. for all we know Wendy can enter in labor tomorrow and you would've been the last one to feel Allison kick until no one could feel her through the womb anymore

**Malefica:** ...

**Malefica:** oh my god, i didnt see it that way

**Malefica:** youre totally right!!!

**Malefica:** kenny you beautiful bastard, i love you

**Nicos:** glad of being helpful

**Crybaby:** man, teach me your ways

**Nicos:** classes are 20$ the hour

**Crybaby:** what, don't feel like asking for a bj while you're at it?

**Nicos:** I'm in a committed relationship, but thanks for offering ;)

**Goldilocks:** ... What?

**Henrietta:** Get used to this bullshit.

**Goldilocks:** I... don't know if I can

**Henrietta:** Then say goodbye to your sanity.

 

**Alien Queen:** guys pls help me study for the math test

**Cregg:** don't expect me to help

**Mars:** same

**Alien Queen:** i was talking to the smart ones, thank you

**Buddha:** no

**Testicle:** busy, can't, sorry

**Group mom:** date night, sorry

**BROflovski:** I can help you study

**Alien Queen:** OH MY GOD. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

**BROflovski:** I'm already helping David and Heidi, but feel free to crash at my house to help you too

**Alien Queen:** ill be there!!

**Cregg:** uh oh

**Cregg:** she's going to be fourth wheel

**Buddha:** lmao she's going to regret even agreeing to that

**Group mom:** I pity her

**Mars:** can't say she didn't see that coming

**Cregg:** honestly, what kind of person willingly puts themselves through that?

**BROflovski:** I'm still reading this, you know?

**Buddha:** Fuck off, we're not saying nothing false

**BROflovski:** Shut up fatass

**Buddha:** eh

**BROflovski:** What, no comeback?

**BROflovski:** ... He left in the middle of a discussion? The fuck?

**Cregg:** now i've seen it everything

**Mars:** for real

**BROflovski:** I wonder if something serious happened... Eh.

 

**Buddha:** FUCKING KENNY JINXED WENDY

**Mars:** WHAT?!

**Buddha:** SHE JUST GOT INTO LABOR!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back  
> And we are finally getting the birth of this baby girl
> 
> Also, hello once again   
> I did say I would return to this fic once my Muse came back, didn't I?  
> Well, bitch just showed up   
> Enjoy, or whatever 
> 
> Please leave a comment, I like to read them  
> They inspire me to write more 
> 
> A comment is a cookie for Clyde


	18. Wholesome Depressed Bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crybaby: anxiety is my new best friend
> 
> Mars: same
> 
> Malefica: mood
> 
> BROflovski: me
> 
> Not Mexican: did you just said the same thing in three different ways?

**Crybaby:** anxiety is my new best friend

 **Mars:** same

 **Malefica:** mood

 **BROflovski:** me

 **Not Mexican:** did you just said the same thing in three different ways?

 **Mars:** we did

 **Crybaby:** because a n x i e t y

 **Not Mexican:** what

 **Malefica:** a n x i e t y

 **Not Mexican:** im starting to fear

 **BROflovski:** I just want everything to go well and for the baby to be healthy and all this worry is making me panic

 **Malefica:** I don't want my niece or Wendy to be hurt

 **Mars:** I'm really hoping the only injury we know of is of Cartman's hand

 **Malefica:** ^^^^^^

 **Not Mexican:** no one is at the hospital?

 **Mars:** they didn't let us in

 **Mars:** family only and that kinda stuff

 **Malefica:** I'm at the nearest cafeteria and at my fifth cup of coffee hahaha I crave death

 **Nicos:** here hoping that everything goes well with you guys

 **Malefica:** Who do I have to kill for Wendy and Allison to be well and healthy

 **Mars:** if damien was here he would've tell you

 **Malefica:** damn, he's never here anymore

 **Nicos:** oh, you want damien?

 

_**Nicos** added **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way** to **Gay and shiny.**_

 

 **Mars:** hi yes quick question

 **Mars:** what the fuck

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I gave you my number for emergencies only, McCormick.

 **Malefica:** i have an emergency!

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Talk then.

 **Malefica:** Wendy's in labor and I want everything to go well, so

 **Malefica:** who do i have to kill for that

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I can't help you with that.

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** If it involves bringing life you have to talk to God.

 **Malefica:** fuck

 **Malefica:** i want to cry now

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** This was everything?

 **Henrietta:** Holy fuck.

 **Henrietta:** You dickwads actually managed to get the Lord of Hell into this shit show of a group chat.

 **Henrietta:** Dope.

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Yes, I still don't know what I'm doing here if everything they needed was for a birth to go well.

 **Nicos:** c'mon, we were friends all those years ago!!

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I turned you into a platypus.

 **Nicos:** everything is in the past!

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** ... Okay?

 **Not Mexican:** how are you guys so chill about this

 **Marsh:** this is not the weirdest thing it has happened on south park

 **BROflovski:** ^^^^

 **Not Mexican:** what the fuck

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Do I have to stay here?

 **Nicos:** yes

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I'll kill you.

 **Marsh:** i have to ask, tho

 **Marsh:** why is that your username?

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Pip thought it was funny.

 **Marsh:** Pip?

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Yes, Pip.

 **Marsh:** alright then

 **Malefica:** WENDY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO ALLISON

 **Malefica:** I WANT TO CRY, I CAN'T BE THERE FOR HER

 **Marsh:** SHE ALREADY GAVE BIRTH?

 **BROflovski:** Do you know how is she? And the baby?

 **Malefica:** They both are fine and I'm so relieved by that but I'm crying because I can't be there fuck

 **Crybaby:** im going to the cafeteria for you babe

 **Malefica:** please

 **Alien Queen:** WHAT IS THIS I HEAR THAT WENDY JUST GAVE BIRTH

 **Group dad:** SHE DID????

 **Goldilocks:** I'm sorry, but I don't care about rules right now

 **Goldilocks:** I'm going to see her right now if it's the last thing I'll do

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I actually can help with that part.

 **Malefica:** WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

 **Malefica:** I WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING, JUST GET ME INTO THAT ROOM

 **Cregg:** ...

 **Cregg:** wow

* * *

**Testicle:** It's been almost two months and I still can't believe you broke into the hospital just to see me

 **Henrietta:** That came out of nowhere.

 **Testicle:** I'm warming a bottle of milk for Allie and just remembered that

 **Testicle:** Is not everyday when all your girlfriends break into the hospital with the help of the son of Satan just to see you and your newborn

 **Malefica:** You are crazy if you actually think I would have missed that

 **Testicle:** I never doubted you, Bebe

 **Malefica:** love you

 **Testicle:** Love you too

 **Testicle:** Gotta go, Allison is starting to punch Eric

 **Malefica:** Bye! Good luck!

 **Crybaby:** my boyfriend senses are tingling

 **Crybaby:** you're crying, babe?

 **Malefica:** Fuck, I am

 **Malefica:** I'm just so damn happy that everything turned alright for her and that Allison is alright and that nothing went wrong

 **Malefica:** Come over, I want to cuddle with you

 **Crybaby:** sure thing

 **Cregg:** I hate that everything is wholesome right now

 **Group mom:** it is kind of unsettling, isn't it? 

 **Cregg:** It fucking is

 **Cregg:** I didn't signed up for this when I stayed in this gc

 **Starbucks:** ^^^

 **Not Mexican:** everything has been sunshine and rainbows since Allison was born

 **Not Mexican:** im happy for them but even lunch time at school is wholesome

 **Not Mexican:** im pretty confused by life right now

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** I'm uncomfortable every time I read this chat and everyone is just being nice to each other.

 **Carlos:** Aw, c'mon guys! This is pretty great!

 **Cregg:** Butters, your mere existence is wholesome, of course you like this

 **Cregg:** The rest of us, depressed bitches, are just confused

 **Starbucks:** wtf don't call me a depressed bitch

 **Cregg:** Sorry babe, you can't deny the truth

 **Starbucks:** the truth sucks

 **Group mom:** ^^^

 **BROflovski:** I like the title of depressed bitch

 **Mars:** yes, i came in peace with the fact that im a depressed bitch a long time ago

 **Henrietta:** All Heil for the depressed bitches.

 **Group mom:** heil

 **Cregg:** heil

 **Swiss Alps:** You guys!!

 **Swiss Alps:** You shouldn't joke about that kind of stuff!

 **Cregg:** tough shit

 **Alien Queen:** heil

 **Goldilocks:** Red!

 **Alien Queen:** sorry sweetie, being a depressed bitch runs in the blood

 **Cregg:** ayeeee

 **Alien Queen:** ayeeeee

 **Swiss Alps:** You're incredible

 **Carlos:** ...

 **Carlos:** heil

 **Cregg:** Now that was unexpected

 **Carlos:** Thank my dad for that one

 **Nicos:** i can sense my bf feeling bad

 **Nicos:** wdyd

 **Cregg:** We're being depressed bitches together

 **Goldilocks:** Stop this

 **Nicos:** do i need to hug you until you feel better?

 **Carlos:** maybe

 **Carlos:** yes

 **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way:** Stop being wholesome, I'm actually begging you right now.

 **Cregg:** They aren't going to stop

 **Cregg:** I hate them

 **Starbucks:** tough shit

 **Cregg:** You little shit

 **Starbucks:** love you

 

 **Buddha:** what is the meaning of life

 **BROflovski:** When was the last time you slept an entire night man

 **Buddha:** Eh

 **Mars:** i think you broke him dude

 **BROflovski:** Holy shit, that was possible?

 **Buddha:** Shut up, I'm trying to remember

 **Buddha:** I think the two days I stayed with my mom when she was sick

 **Mars:** that

 **Mars:** that was in october

 **Buddha:** Yeah

 **BROflovski:** You okay?

 **Buddha:** I am

 **Buddha:** My body came in terms with my lack of sleep

 **BROflovski:** That's bad

 **Nicos:** yeah dude, that cant be healthy

 **Buddha:** I'm doing this for them

 **Buddha:** I have a family now

 **Buddha:** I don't deserve them but I have them, I want to try harder to improve myself and be a better man

 **Buddha:** Fuck, my head is killing me

 **Mars:** hey, you're doing your best

 **Mars:** i know wendy can see that, she always was good at noticing this kind of details

 **BROflovski:** We can also see it

 **BROflovski:** You know when was the last time you called me jew in an offensive way?

 **Buddha:** Last year's Christmas

 **BROflovski:** Exactly

 **BROflovski:** You're a better person, more than any of us could have expected from you, and that is something to make yourself proud

 **Nicos:** you keep beating yourself because of your past mistakes, but youre amending them. you are a good person now, though you always were in a way, and you are worthy of having a loving family

 **Mars:** yeah dude, you are working your ass off to improve yourself, but now everything that's left are small step

 **BROflovski:** So stop beating yourself up, accept that you are worthy of your family and, for the love of God, get some sleep

 **Buddha:** Thanks guys

 **Buddha:** Shit, I shouldn't be this emotional wreck right now

 **Buddha:** I'm going to try to sleep a little

 **Buddha:** Yeah

 **BROflovski:** You go

 **Mars:** who could have guessed we would be giving a pep talk to Cartman

 **BROflovski:** I know, right?

 **Nicos:** aw, look at us, being good friends for once

 **BROflovski:** Pft, shut up Kenny

 **Cregg:** STOP BEING WHOLESOME

 **Nicos:** make us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter I'll like to announce two milestones
> 
> As of the 21 of October, this chatfic is now one year old! Mostly because I'm super irresponsible while updating and I got into a hiatus for half a year, but...  
> Yeah! One whole year! Thank you for sticking with me through this!
> 
> And second, we just hit 8k+ hits! That's crazy!
> 
> Nothing of that would've been possible without you guys! Thanks to everyone that's been reading me since the beginning!
> 
> For another year, where I hopefully will be more constant uploading!
> 
> And remember, a comment is a cookie for Clyde!


End file.
